Honesty

Honesty:

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/honesty

Truthfulness, Sincerity, or frankness

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/honesty

Fairness and straightforwardness of conduct

Throughout the last four months I have dealt with a person who I thought was going to be the love of my life. Last Saturday it came to my attention she has not been completely honest with me. I looked at her phone and saw a text conversation between her and a man named “Tony”, (who she supposedly met at a bar called X-wives during the middle of the day). Their conversation detailed a meeting which was to take place on the previous day, (Friday 11/14/14). They planned to meet at his house to drink red wine together. She backed out with a lie in order to prevent their meeting from ever taking place. Her decision gave a profound insight into her psychological condition.

When asked if she was going to tell me this had happened she responded “No” without any hesitation. Involuntarily I told her it was a problem. We tried to keep going until Thursday, 11/20/14. I woke up in the morning angry. On my way to work I decided to stop to get coffee creamer and milk to bring home. When I brought it home we argued furiously for a couple of hours until I said something close to this, “over the last month and a half you have felt like a burden.” (The possibility of me saying this in a more mean or hurtful manner is quiet high since I was in an extremely heightened emotional state).  She began to move her belongings to her car. We were going to continue to try to work on our relationship from a distance, but when I arrived home from work yesterday, (11/20/14), I saw the bed and had to disassemble it.

I am not perfect; I can admit I did not handle this situation in the best way possible; and I have made my fair share of mistakes during our relationship. Her dishonesty cannot be tolerated though. She lost her job at the end of October due to attendance/punctuality issues. We were already overburdened by her unusual behaviors which had occurred prior to her loss of employment, and my reactions. I tried to trust her again; I wanted to trust her again; I wanted to still love her, but I could not do it. We had discussed a closed-relationship and she chose to break that commitment to me. In doing so she removed my trust for her; all of her actions and words were questioned. What else has she lied to me about? I am not certain, (and do not believe), she actually did ever cheat on me. Her love for me was real. However, she is mentally unhealthy and if I continued a relationship with her it would only strain my mind further, and ultimately cause a great deal of unnecessary pain for both of us.

Sadly, I must admit my natural reaction to her poor decision was to be cruel. After Saturday I did not pay as much attention to her, and I found myself ignoring some of, if not all of what she said, when she spoke. I was mean to her, and it was not right. Although her actions caused me to react in such a manner, I do not agree with my actions or words. Her actions caused my reactions, and I do not want to be around someone who can stimulate such callous behavior from me. It is not healthy for me, and I did not feel like I was acting like myself.

Dishonesty serves no purpose in my life. Problems will arise if trust is not present in any relationship.  A wise man I worked with at UPS had this to say about honesty, “Say what you mean, and mean what you say.” In my opinion honesty not only has to do with your words, but your actions as well. If you say you have certain behaviors, and that you are interested in specific extracurricular activities than pursue them passionately. If you say you are not interested in certain behaviors, and you dislike certain activities than do not participate in them. 

Actions always speak louder than words. When you act contrary to your words you are being dishonest. When you behave contrary to your beliefs you are being dishonest. When you do not live up to a moral and ethical code you have set for yourself you are being dishonest.  

People who are not honest I do not need in my life. I am honest, true, and full of love. A moral foundation instilled in me by my parents and their religious ideologies will always dictate my actions. Although I no longer believe the tenants of their religion I still practice fundamental principles of integrity, compassion, and love. A requirement of the pursuit of happiness is honesty.

Stay true to who you are, and never forget your actions have consequences on other people. My love goes out to anyone who reads this. I wish you the best.

-Laron

Rain Clouds Overhead (When it rains, it pours)

A cold draft rushes underneath the covers and touches bare skin. Chills run down the spine and goose bumps appear. Blankets are piled; wrapped up in; and tighten their grip around this unwilling body.

One tap, two taps, three taps, four

What is this noise I have heard before?

Is someone at the door?

Stillness in the air greets greedy lungs. Shivers convulse the body and inundate the mind with thoughts of what has caused such silence. Clothes are selected; an outfit is decided; and stubborn feet move this apathetic load.

Pitter-patter on the windowsill

Was it only supposed to drizzle?

Or will this storm become torrential?

Outside heavy clouds loom overhead.  Inclement weather conditions instill an anxious anticipation for the storm. A deep breath is inhaled; courage is mustered; and a step is taken into the sudden wetness.

Gutters are overflowing

Why do I have to be driving?

The sky cracks with thunder and lightning

A gust of wind blows forcefully against steel and concrete. Fear grips the heart and aches can be felt in each bone. An unnerving sound is heard; the vehicles sputters; and the journey grinds to a halt.

What was dry is now wet

How can one be complacent?

This could only be solved by a bucket of chocolate

The heavens open above and let water pour down. Solitude imposes frailty, and sadness fills sullen eyes. 

Rain drops fall; a voice whimpers; and the world weighs heavily down upon overburdened shoulders.

Destitute and alone

Too many miles from home

Nothing to do now but sit down and moan

Brakes screech in the distance behind. Bright lights blind and curiosity is peaked. A shadow approaches; 

extends an object; and stands over the huddled mass on the ground.

Protection and comfort under an umbrella

Who would stop to help another?

Why do I deserve help from a stranger?

Wiper blades squeak as they slide back and forth across the windshield.  A warm beverage is given, and cold hands receive it happily. Driving down the road is peaceful; tranquility returns to the mind; and the spirit is calmed.

The squall has started to fizzle

Once violent clouds now simply sprinkle

Down the windows the water droplets trickle

The car stops while the stranger smiles. A signal is given to exit, and involuntarily the request is obeyed.

Water has transformed what is known; attitudes and perceptions have changed; and a thirst for life has returned.

Reflections of a forest in a river’s flow

Dew drips reveal nature’s show

Open eyes can now witness beauty in life’s double rainbow 

R.I.P

Wrap and prepare the body

Place the corpse inside the coffin

Hammer down each nail

Seal the contents with care

Sanctify two and a half feet wide by eight feet long and six feet deep

Bless the container and pray there will be no unholy resurrection

Lower the deceased into the hole

Shovel loose dirt on top of the container

Compress the soil

Speak your final words

Allow the past to rest in peace

Failure

Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.

Booker T. Washington

I look down to see the ground as I fall
Failed attempts to reach my own success weigh me down
In my sorrow I am bound
Feeling hopeless and alone overwhelms me with regrets
All my thoughts are consumed by a self-critical analysis

Defeated, I wither into a more comfortable and secure, fetal position
Lost in the fog of despair I am blind to what I cannot see
Inside the haze are the keys to set me free
My head swims against the current of my self-contempt
The madness of misery has stopped my will to invent

Shadows creep at my side
Immaculately beautiful-eternal and infinite-blue eyes stare into my soul
An angel descended from the heavens; here to unify two halves whole
I am lifted out of grief by her wings
Every fiber of my being sings

She willingly helps carry my burden
I have lived for 10240 days
Yet, it was not until today I would admit the error of my ways
Through her eyes I gain profound clarity
I now see the love given unto me from friends and family

Eruption

We all deal with anxiety. I believe this is a psychological health issue that needs to be addressed by everyone. The rise in blood pressure that is accompanied by a shortness of breath causes so many of us to struggle with social situations, work, family, and many other aspects of our lives. Sadly, some of the situations extreme anxiety can have a negative impact on are not always stressful, nor are they difficult. Many times the onset of an anxiety attack can be a simple word from a loved one, or an innocent conversation you overhear on the bus. This can affect your entire day, and how you respond to others you may encounter.

 I have attended many sessions of therapy in order to deal with my own issues, and I will always return to the couch when my anxieties are too much for me to bare on my own. People have chosen to educate themselves on how to identify and heal the anxieties of your mind. Anyone who struggles with extreme anxiety who has not been able to help themselves, who feels the love and support given to them by friends and family is not enough, seek the advice and support of an educated and certified professional listener. Do not be afraid to admit you have been bothered by this affliction of the mind. Admit anxiety is an issue and seek help. The people in your life who truly do love and support you will support your decision. I know they support, and will continue to support me.

This poem is dedicated to all those who suffer from extreme anxiety. I wish you a healthier life.

A silent whisper echoes from the core

Seismic waves vibrate through each layer

Waves combine to create a harmonic tremor

Pressure increases in the asthenosphere

Earthquakes occur in the lithosphere

Temperature and pressure increase geothermal energy

Solid compounds become liquid magma in this natural laboratory

A solid mountain

Quiet and dormant

Inside builds a torment

Plate tectonics shift to form a subduction zone

Magma moves up the vents of the cinder cone

Violent eruptions rip and crack the crust

Fissures burst and lava flows rush

Down the slopes spill hot death

Ashen skies fall to suffocate the chest

Only minerals will pass this test

When the dust settles from the ejecta

What is left is a caldera

Shards of dacite, basalt, pumice, and obsidian

Volcanic rock and debris are what remain after such a violent reaction

Growing Pains

GROWING PAINS

Memorable experiences shared with someone who sees the best in you and wants you to see it too. Open your eyes and look into the mirror. A reflection of yourself stares introspectively back at you. Ask yourself, what can I do?

Fighting, Ignoring, Walking, Talking, Striving, Trying, Listening, Growing

To express, to reveal, to clarify

Together we stand

Apart we fall

Disagreements, Insults, Reactions, and Misconceptions to Overcome

To work, to challenge, to understand

Together we stand

Apart we fall

Joking, Playing, Entertaining, Sharing, Motivating, Teaching, Learning, Caring

To do, to see, to perceive

Together we stand

Apart we fall

Laughter, Vacations, People, Animals, Family and Stories to Enjoy

To experience, to remember, to Love

Together we stand

Apart we fall

Unconditional

This piece will not receive an edit so it will be raw and honest.

Some years ago, (the exact time I cannot recall), I stumbled across the writings of several philosophers who had studied destiny, choice, and the effects of a solitary life on the individual. After I had read their material it was obvious to me this was the most beneficial life I could ever live. Exaltation after death was not in my mind. Ascension to some other state of existence cannot be proven to be factual and therefore I will not waste my thought on such foolish notions. 

Destiny, resurrection, reincarnation, the mono myth, and the eternal recurrence are concepts which helped me reach my conclusion. I will not delve into each subject specifically. If you wish to learn the wisdom each of the classical masters has to provide, you must seek their work out for yourself. I planned my solitude and searched for it. 

Solitude: the state of being or living alone; seclusion:

Have you ever been surrounded by people and what they have built only to be overwhelmed by the idea you are completely alone?

I yearned for this. I wanted it. Since I learned of their work I had striven to become the extraordinary man Zarathustra was designed to be. Alone in the wilderness of man you can detach from their education and methodologies to see the world plainly and clearly through observation of the machinations of their society and the individual. This principle of the self I adopted and accepted into my subconscious mind.

Any relationship, person, situation, or circumstance that would prevent me from the actualization of the my solitude was avoided or excluded from my life immediately upon recognition of the obstacle. Any woman who attempted to love me was immediately neglected and distanced from me to such an extent they would simply choose to leave and know me no more.

Intimate relationships, whether friends or more significant, could not be allowed or they would undermine my ability to achieve the ultimate goal: a beautiful death. The estrangement with my family helped enable my desire to continue to disassociate from the rest of our species. I cared not for the outcome of all else. Apathy held my mind tightly in its deadly grasp.

Haylee G. stood in the middle of my path and changed all that I knew. From the moment we met we were drawn to one another. The first time I touched skin on her shoulder with the tip of my index finger a surge of electrified energy pulsed through my entire body that left me awkward, confused, anxious, and uncertain.

Sexual intercourse was nothing more than a physical interaction between two people, until I met her. Each exchange of passion was intensified  by our desire for one another. We were in love, but we did not know what to do with it. She was married, and I was a disillusioned philosopher who waited for his time to die. We could not uphold a fundamental principle of a relationship: honesty.

Love is not an emotion. Infatuation is caused by attraction and can be developed into the ideal of love over time with rigorous work and dedication. Friends and acquaintances are interacted with in mostly happy and entertaining circumstances. Yet, wholesome relationships require each partner to share every burden and every trial. All that gives us stress is what we ask of the other. We could not do this for one another.

Years slipped into oblivion and I regained a fervor for life; than she returned to me. We tried again, and yet the same problems surfaced: honesty and communication. I lost faith. I lost what little hope I had left. Trust in the people I knew was gone.

Everyone I know I disbelieved. Everyone I know I distrusted. Everyone I know I believed is out for their own survival, no matter what consequences that would impose on me or anyone else.

Years slipped into oblivion and I regained a fervor for life, than she walked into my front room and sat on my couch. A person lost and alone, hurt and confused. Two individuals who both wanted positive change in their own life. Together we ventured forth into a summer of adventure and experience. Initially I was unaware of her affection for me. Yet, for me there was always an attraction to her. I could recall each occasion we had met and where, and I had always been intrigued by this familiar stranger; a stranger who became a friend.

An explosion of emotion occurred between us that needs no other description, nor any other detail. The special moment solidified in my mind who she is and what she is to me. Age and experience have left their mark on my mind though, and so I must delve into my subconscious and divulge what detracts from my ability to fulfill her.

Trust:
reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Trust is a leap of faith you have to hope the other person will join. This scares me because of my profound respect for the teachings of Nietzsche. He professed against both hope and faith! He believed it to be counter intuitive to embrace two of the principles he thought would destroy your own will to power and ultimately your almost impossible chance to become an uber mench!

We have taken the leap, and I am happy we did.

I must admit my distrust has already caused much concern from her, and this is why I write today. My past haunts me and I want it to rest in peace. A neuroses I thought was cured is now an impediment to a relationship which has the potential to be an example of what two people can do together when they are committed to one another, and one common goal; the improvement of the other person.

She is beautiful, intelligent, ambitious, humorous, generous, nurturing, caring, kind, respectful, and best of all, aware. She is constantly aware of needs of my own that I am not even aware of. Since she has become a constant overnight companion the number of times I have turned to do something and it is already done astounds me. She cares for my well being, and always has my best interest in my mind. Patience is a virtue she has an enormous amount of, and she has decided to use it to help me recover from my mental sickness. One day I hope to be able to love as she does.

Her love is unconditional.