Dear Ex-Girlfriend:
I am so much better without you. A year and one month is
past since we split. During that time I have regained what I lost to you. Rock
climbing, trail running, writing, reading, composing, and even thinking is
easier without worries or concerns of your whereabouts and shady behavior
gnawing away at my resolve and stealing my energy. This energy- my will, my
power, my authority, was sapped from me by your constant decisions to be
inactive, your poor dietary habits, and your association with applications and
people which undermined our ability to fulfill one another as a couple.
I gave you everything I had. All of my love poured from my proverbial
heart, and you decided not to reciprocate my vulnerability. In doing so you
broke me down emotionally, spiritually, and physically- you crippled me. Thank
you.
Without knowing you, without this harsh experience, I would
have never known of the potential intelligence, willpower, and creativity I
possess. Your callous disregard for my well-being motivated me to change who I
was. Your lack of conviction to my proverbial heart has strengthened my desire
to pursue my passions; one of which is to write a philosophy of love and
compassion that can guide people to their own fulfillment, and the
actualization of their self.
We were in love, for a time. You were on the edge of escape
from your past, waiting to leap with me into a new future full of promise,
challenges, and unconditional love. Sadly, the demons of your past grasped your
heels at the last moment, and their grip was too strong for you to resist. I
fell from you into the darkness, where I was reborn; resurrected for a second time.
Thank you.
The pain, no, the agony I endured from the loss of our love
devastated me insomuch my will to live diminished to almost nothing. I clung to
a thread lit by a slivered moon in a starless sky. I was confronted with the
absurdity of life and that haunting question, why? A finale to this story consumed
my thoughts. I analyzed the pros and cons of such a serious decision until my subconscious
mind could think of nothing else- Dostoyevsky’s Kirillov taunted me.
For weeks I battled thoughts of a glorious end; one in which
I was the hands of my own fate. Depression and melancholy overwhelmed all that
I was. Anxiety drove me to solitude, and to madness. At my lowest point, before
I could pass the threshold of no return, the universe reminded me of the miraculous
and immaculately beautiful creation that it is; my mindset changed.
Reminders of what I used to love- what caused me happiness-
begged for my attention. My stubbornness refused to listen. Days turned to
weeks as life passed me by like a silent movie from the early 20th century. I
ran trails every night after work in a feeble attempt to rid my self of the debilitating anxiety and
pain that suppressed my will to live. I lived at a feverish pace to prevent me
from going through with one last choice.
One night I returned home from a week of trails runs
completely exhausted. I decided a hot bath would loosen my sore muscles and
bring order to my chaotic mind. As I submerged my body under water my aching soul
was immediately calmed, and my subconscious mind reminded me of something I
used to do to alleviate anxiety and stress: meditate.
Naked and alone I closed my eyes to focus on my breath. Deep
inhales were followed by slow exhales- the Ujjayi breath taught by students of
the east. As my breath fell into a natural rhythm I was reminded of a chant I
used to do to help calm my nerves after an arduous hike up steep terrain. Awe-
with an open mouth; Oh-lips forming the letter O; and Um- mouth closed as the
final breath leaves the body. I repeated this over and over.
My clenched fists slowly released, and my palms turned to
face the ceiling. I was a buoy lost in the middle of the ocean; the bathtub no
longer confined me to a space of human creation. I was weightless and no longer
afraid. At this moment I stretched my fingers toward the ceiling.
The darkness behind my eye lids was consumed by an orb of
yellowish-white light. It fell into my open arms, and I placed my hands over my
heart as it was absorbed into my chest. I knew immediately I was alive again.
My will to pursue my passions returned with a strength and power I had never
felt throughout my entire life. People say things happen for a reason. With the
us that was that holds true.
When you decided not to challenge your self you lost me; when you decided not to challenge your self with the vulnerability of love you
injured a boy’s soul so deeply that I had to learn what it is to be a man. You
created the choice point I needed to realize who I am. Thank you and goodbye.
-Laron
