This piece will not receive an edit so it will be raw and honest.
Some years ago, (the exact time I cannot recall), I stumbled across the writings of several philosophers who had studied destiny, choice, and the effects of a solitary life on the individual. After I had read their material it was obvious to me this was the most beneficial life I could ever live. Exaltation after death was not in my mind. Ascension to some other state of existence cannot be proven to be factual and therefore I will not waste my thought on such foolish notions.
Destiny, resurrection, reincarnation, the mono myth, and the eternal recurrence are concepts which helped me reach my conclusion. I will not delve into each subject specifically. If you wish to learn the wisdom each of the classical masters has to provide, you must seek their work out for yourself. I planned my solitude and searched for it.
Solitude: the state of being or living alone; seclusion:
Have you ever been surrounded by people and what they have built only to be overwhelmed by the idea you are completely alone?
I yearned for this. I wanted it. Since I learned of their work I had striven to become the extraordinary man Zarathustra was designed to be. Alone in the wilderness of man you can detach from their education and methodologies to see the world plainly and clearly through observation of the machinations of their society and the individual. This principle of the self I adopted and accepted into my subconscious mind.
Any relationship, person, situation, or circumstance that would prevent me from the actualization of the my solitude was avoided or excluded from my life immediately upon recognition of the obstacle. Any woman who attempted to love me was immediately neglected and distanced from me to such an extent they would simply choose to leave and know me no more.
Intimate relationships, whether friends or more significant, could not be allowed or they would undermine my ability to achieve the ultimate goal: a beautiful death. The estrangement with my family helped enable my desire to continue to disassociate from the rest of our species. I cared not for the outcome of all else. Apathy held my mind tightly in its deadly grasp.
Haylee G. stood in the middle of my path and changed all that I knew. From the moment we met we were drawn to one another. The first time I touched skin on her shoulder with the tip of my index finger a surge of electrified energy pulsed through my entire body that left me awkward, confused, anxious, and uncertain.
Sexual intercourse was nothing more than a physical interaction between two people, until I met her. Each exchange of passion was intensified by our desire for one another. We were in love, but we did not know what to do with it. She was married, and I was a disillusioned philosopher who waited for his time to die. We could not uphold a fundamental principle of a relationship: honesty.
Love is not an emotion. Infatuation is caused by attraction and can be developed into the ideal of love over time with rigorous work and dedication. Friends and acquaintances are interacted with in mostly happy and entertaining circumstances. Yet, wholesome relationships require each partner to share every burden and every trial. All that gives us stress is what we ask of the other. We could not do this for one another.
Years slipped into oblivion and I regained a fervor for life; than she returned to me. We tried again, and yet the same problems surfaced: honesty and communication. I lost faith. I lost what little hope I had left. Trust in the people I knew was gone.
Everyone I know I disbelieved. Everyone I know I distrusted. Everyone I know I believed is out for their own survival, no matter what consequences that would impose on me or anyone else.
Years slipped into oblivion and I regained a fervor for life, than she walked into my front room and sat on my couch. A person lost and alone, hurt and confused. Two individuals who both wanted positive change in their own life. Together we ventured forth into a summer of adventure and experience. Initially I was unaware of her affection for me. Yet, for me there was always an attraction to her. I could recall each occasion we had met and where, and I had always been intrigued by this familiar stranger; a stranger who became a friend.
An explosion of emotion occurred between us that needs no other description, nor any other detail. The special moment solidified in my mind who she is and what she is to me. Age and experience have left their mark on my mind though, and so I must delve into my subconscious and divulge what detracts from my ability to fulfill her.
Trust:
reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
Trust is a leap of faith you have to hope the other person will join. This scares me because of my profound respect for the teachings of Nietzsche. He professed against both hope and faith! He believed it to be counter intuitive to embrace two of the principles he thought would destroy your own will to power and ultimately your almost impossible chance to become an uber mench!
We have taken the leap, and I am happy we did.
I must admit my distrust has already caused much concern from her, and this is why I write today. My past haunts me and I want it to rest in peace. A neuroses I thought was cured is now an impediment to a relationship which has the potential to be an example of what two people can do together when they are committed to one another, and one common goal; the improvement of the other person.
She is beautiful, intelligent, ambitious, humorous, generous, nurturing, caring, kind, respectful, and best of all, aware. She is constantly aware of needs of my own that I am not even aware of. Since she has become a constant overnight companion the number of times I have turned to do something and it is already done astounds me. She cares for my well being, and always has my best interest in my mind. Patience is a virtue she has an enormous amount of, and she has decided to use it to help me recover from my mental sickness. One day I hope to be able to love as she does.
Her love is unconditional.
