Melancholy and introspective thoughts woke me early this
morning; a frustration in regard to my misconception of her aversion to me. A person,
whose avoidance of me I thought was due to my lack of participation in our
palpable chemistry, actually despises my very existence because of what I
represent to her: unorthodox and opposing religious and ideological values. I
was confused and perceived her completely wrong.
A residual emotional pain lingers from her subtle behavior.
All she did was tighten her muscles in her face and neck slightly as she walked
by when I said hello to her. Whether involuntary or not, her reaction spoke
volumes of how she perceives me. I am a physical representation of a moral and
ethical set of values and ideals which she believes (or was taught to think she
believes) are wrong or “evil”. To find out someone who I thought was attracted to
me was in fact repulsed was devastating to my self-confidence and an image of
my self that I created.
When Cassie and I split I made a conscious decision to avoid
social interaction which did not include some type of mental or physical
stimulus I consider more evolved than our carnal instincts and desires. I also
decided to ignore anyone of the opposite sex who showed any signs of interest
or whom I sensed chemistry with. It would be easy to say this withdrawal was a
defense mechanism of someone with a proverbial broken heart (I will admit this
is partially true). In this instance it was more of a calculated move I made in
an attempt to utilize all of my potential energy.
I view my tangible self
as a biological-biochemical system. Any output is a direct result of what is input
into my system. Therefore, sexual intercourse and the preceding interactions
required to achieve such an act would reduce my overall potential energy
available for endeavors of time I perceive as more meaningful; music
composition, climbing, mountain biking, trail running, studying, and writing.
It would be counter-intuitive for an individual to consider any activity that
would not benefit them or assist them in the eventual completion of their goals.
Her subtle, yet painstakingly obvious disgust of my voice and presence has
caused me to question development of reclusive behaviors in me.
Social engagement with our species is a natural desire and
absolutely necessary to achieve personal happiness. Validation and acceptance
are taught to us from the moment we are born. I think this is why profound
relationships of love create a lingering desire for similar companionship
should that original bond dissolve. Ferdinand is a great companion pet canine.
However, he is just a canine and as such he cannot fulfill my desire for
companionship with a compatible woman. How long can I continue living in
solitude when I am a social animal?
Instinctively I have to answer, “not very long”.
Another depressing effect of this encounter was that I
questioned my social skills and how much interest listeners actually have in
words I speak. As a writer I tend to be able to flow freely and clearly
construct sentences in a competent way that is easily understood by a reader.
Quite often (more frequently as of these last two months) I find myself in a
hysterical fit of laughter or thoroughly entertained by what I said in a
conversation. When I open my eyes to see what reactions people around me have I
am surprised to see their behavior is awkward and uncomfortable. Oh how trite and
conceited this sounds to me as I write this!
What importance and weight do words I utter actually carry?
Is there meaning and substance to my words or do these listeners simply hear
ramblings of a genius who has slipped into a deranged and disillusioned
insanity? In order to improve who and what I am I must first admit my flaws are
real and cause negative consequences to me, and more importantly to other
people.
I write much better than I speak because of the enormous
amount of time spent on one versus the other. When I speak my words have lost
much, if not all, of their meaning. I am often distracted by thoughts about
music theory and composition or writing and so a conversation happening presently
is an afterthought rather than the focus of my attention. This fault of mine
has sealed my proverbial Vishuddha (throat) Chakra and caused an almost complete
dissolution of a fundamental principle of communication: listening. I do not
listen to most of what people have to say and as a result they care not for
what I say.
To me listening is a behavior which indicates concern for
another individual’s existence and what gives their life meaning and substance.
I had forgotten this and because of my lapse in judgment I now find myself
overcome with grief in light of my foolishness. I am sorry to those I have
hurt.
None of this was intended. Over the last few months I
developed the necessary habits to work rigorously and study consistently. A
peculiar change in what I desire has happened. Instead of social interactions
which would validate my work and create a sense of acceptance into a social
group, I now desire mental and physical exercise. Consequently, desire for
non-formal social occasions (i.e. chilling/hanging out) has diminished
significantly over these last two months.
When I have attended such occasions I have found myself lost
in thoughts about music theory and composition, or physical exercise. Of course
this meant I was distracted from a conversation I was currently involved with and
it would be difficult for the other person not to notice and eventually lose
interest as well.
Reclusive behaviors increase how much time is available to
work on personal projects and professional endeavors. However, social
connections and opportunities would decrease (which would possibly limit
non-academic educational experiences). So I must wonder if happiness provided
by a social lifestyle is interchangeable with satisfaction achieved through
fruits of my labors. I cannot believe periods of seclusion are not beneficial,
but I must admit my neglect of friends new and old was wrong.
Today I am faced with my fallibility and I am glad to be
humbled by it. In time my work will be complete, and it will only be perceived
as excellent should I know excellent people. The only way possible to intimately and truly know
someone is to listen. Education is stimulated by exchanges of ideas and
thoughts. I must return to this valuable skill and master it. Only through
reading and listening to words spoken by others can I increase the power and
effectiveness of my own. I challenge anyone who reads this to do the same. Good
luck.
