Eruption

We all deal with anxiety. I believe this is a psychological health issue that needs to be addressed by everyone. The rise in blood pressure that is accompanied by a shortness of breath causes so many of us to struggle with social situations, work, family, and many other aspects of our lives. Sadly, some of the situations extreme anxiety can have a negative impact on are not always stressful, nor are they difficult. Many times the onset of an anxiety attack can be a simple word from a loved one, or an innocent conversation you overhear on the bus. This can affect your entire day, and how you respond to others you may encounter.

 I have attended many sessions of therapy in order to deal with my own issues, and I will always return to the couch when my anxieties are too much for me to bare on my own. People have chosen to educate themselves on how to identify and heal the anxieties of your mind. Anyone who struggles with extreme anxiety who has not been able to help themselves, who feels the love and support given to them by friends and family is not enough, seek the advice and support of an educated and certified professional listener. Do not be afraid to admit you have been bothered by this affliction of the mind. Admit anxiety is an issue and seek help. The people in your life who truly do love and support you will support your decision. I know they support, and will continue to support me.

This poem is dedicated to all those who suffer from extreme anxiety. I wish you a healthier life.

A silent whisper echoes from the core

Seismic waves vibrate through each layer

Waves combine to create a harmonic tremor

Pressure increases in the asthenosphere

Earthquakes occur in the lithosphere

Temperature and pressure increase geothermal energy

Solid compounds become liquid magma in this natural laboratory

A solid mountain

Quiet and dormant

Inside builds a torment

Plate tectonics shift to form a subduction zone

Magma moves up the vents of the cinder cone

Violent eruptions rip and crack the crust

Fissures burst and lava flows rush

Down the slopes spill hot death

Ashen skies fall to suffocate the chest

Only minerals will pass this test

When the dust settles from the ejecta

What is left is a caldera

Shards of dacite, basalt, pumice, and obsidian

Volcanic rock and debris are what remain after such a violent reaction

Growing Pains

GROWING PAINS

Memorable experiences shared with someone who sees the best in you and wants you to see it too. Open your eyes and look into the mirror. A reflection of yourself stares introspectively back at you. Ask yourself, what can I do?

Fighting, Ignoring, Walking, Talking, Striving, Trying, Listening, Growing

To express, to reveal, to clarify

Together we stand

Apart we fall

Disagreements, Insults, Reactions, and Misconceptions to Overcome

To work, to challenge, to understand

Together we stand

Apart we fall

Joking, Playing, Entertaining, Sharing, Motivating, Teaching, Learning, Caring

To do, to see, to perceive

Together we stand

Apart we fall

Laughter, Vacations, People, Animals, Family and Stories to Enjoy

To experience, to remember, to Love

Together we stand

Apart we fall

Unconditional

This piece will not receive an edit so it will be raw and honest.

Some years ago, (the exact time I cannot recall), I stumbled across the writings of several philosophers who had studied destiny, choice, and the effects of a solitary life on the individual. After I had read their material it was obvious to me this was the most beneficial life I could ever live. Exaltation after death was not in my mind. Ascension to some other state of existence cannot be proven to be factual and therefore I will not waste my thought on such foolish notions. 

Destiny, resurrection, reincarnation, the mono myth, and the eternal recurrence are concepts which helped me reach my conclusion. I will not delve into each subject specifically. If you wish to learn the wisdom each of the classical masters has to provide, you must seek their work out for yourself. I planned my solitude and searched for it. 

Solitude: the state of being or living alone; seclusion:

Have you ever been surrounded by people and what they have built only to be overwhelmed by the idea you are completely alone?

I yearned for this. I wanted it. Since I learned of their work I had striven to become the extraordinary man Zarathustra was designed to be. Alone in the wilderness of man you can detach from their education and methodologies to see the world plainly and clearly through observation of the machinations of their society and the individual. This principle of the self I adopted and accepted into my subconscious mind.

Any relationship, person, situation, or circumstance that would prevent me from the actualization of the my solitude was avoided or excluded from my life immediately upon recognition of the obstacle. Any woman who attempted to love me was immediately neglected and distanced from me to such an extent they would simply choose to leave and know me no more.

Intimate relationships, whether friends or more significant, could not be allowed or they would undermine my ability to achieve the ultimate goal: a beautiful death. The estrangement with my family helped enable my desire to continue to disassociate from the rest of our species. I cared not for the outcome of all else. Apathy held my mind tightly in its deadly grasp.

Haylee G. stood in the middle of my path and changed all that I knew. From the moment we met we were drawn to one another. The first time I touched skin on her shoulder with the tip of my index finger a surge of electrified energy pulsed through my entire body that left me awkward, confused, anxious, and uncertain.

Sexual intercourse was nothing more than a physical interaction between two people, until I met her. Each exchange of passion was intensified  by our desire for one another. We were in love, but we did not know what to do with it. She was married, and I was a disillusioned philosopher who waited for his time to die. We could not uphold a fundamental principle of a relationship: honesty.

Love is not an emotion. Infatuation is caused by attraction and can be developed into the ideal of love over time with rigorous work and dedication. Friends and acquaintances are interacted with in mostly happy and entertaining circumstances. Yet, wholesome relationships require each partner to share every burden and every trial. All that gives us stress is what we ask of the other. We could not do this for one another.

Years slipped into oblivion and I regained a fervor for life; than she returned to me. We tried again, and yet the same problems surfaced: honesty and communication. I lost faith. I lost what little hope I had left. Trust in the people I knew was gone.

Everyone I know I disbelieved. Everyone I know I distrusted. Everyone I know I believed is out for their own survival, no matter what consequences that would impose on me or anyone else.

Years slipped into oblivion and I regained a fervor for life, than she walked into my front room and sat on my couch. A person lost and alone, hurt and confused. Two individuals who both wanted positive change in their own life. Together we ventured forth into a summer of adventure and experience. Initially I was unaware of her affection for me. Yet, for me there was always an attraction to her. I could recall each occasion we had met and where, and I had always been intrigued by this familiar stranger; a stranger who became a friend.

An explosion of emotion occurred between us that needs no other description, nor any other detail. The special moment solidified in my mind who she is and what she is to me. Age and experience have left their mark on my mind though, and so I must delve into my subconscious and divulge what detracts from my ability to fulfill her.

Trust:
reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Trust is a leap of faith you have to hope the other person will join. This scares me because of my profound respect for the teachings of Nietzsche. He professed against both hope and faith! He believed it to be counter intuitive to embrace two of the principles he thought would destroy your own will to power and ultimately your almost impossible chance to become an uber mench!

We have taken the leap, and I am happy we did.

I must admit my distrust has already caused much concern from her, and this is why I write today. My past haunts me and I want it to rest in peace. A neuroses I thought was cured is now an impediment to a relationship which has the potential to be an example of what two people can do together when they are committed to one another, and one common goal; the improvement of the other person.

She is beautiful, intelligent, ambitious, humorous, generous, nurturing, caring, kind, respectful, and best of all, aware. She is constantly aware of needs of my own that I am not even aware of. Since she has become a constant overnight companion the number of times I have turned to do something and it is already done astounds me. She cares for my well being, and always has my best interest in my mind. Patience is a virtue she has an enormous amount of, and she has decided to use it to help me recover from my mental sickness. One day I hope to be able to love as she does.

Her love is unconditional.

Bane of my Existence

Bane of my Existence

Religion is the bane of my existence. Since the inception of this corrupt institution humanity has been divided by what I call The Exclusion Principle. People affected by the consequences of religious ideologies have embraced the mentality, “you are with us, or you are against us”, and those who are convinced by the delusion they have freed themselves of the neuroses caused by the indoctrination of their youth will only find they react and act toward the people with the religious attributes they despise most with a similar attitude.

Exclusion: The act of excluding something or somebody

Principle: An important underlying law or assumption required in a system of thought

We all yearn for acceptance because of the animalistic desire we have to belong to a herd. A herd has now become a family, and some people are born to a herd that has a different opinion about life and the pursuit of happiness. Unfortunately, if only one individual in the herd is unable to agree they are ostracized from the group. The security, comfort, protection, and support the herd provides are soon replaced with the solitude of a lonely world. Our natural response to such rejection is to identify people with similar beliefs and attitudes as negative for the progression of our own life; in doing so we perpetuate The Exclusion Principle.

Religion: people's beliefs and opinions concerning the existence, nature, and worship of a deity or deities, and divine involvement in the universe and human life

I will say this as clear and concise as I know how; Religion is the bane of not only my existence, but all of our species as well. A concept derived from our ignorance to the machinations of the cosmos. Myths created by people who stared at the heavens and could not help but ponder, “How was all this created?”; these have evolved into institutions which preach segregation and damnation for any who think, act, or speak differently than most of the herd.

Our eternal similarity-the fact we are the same species-is what should bring people together. Our eternal differences are what should help us learn and progress. Yet, our species has relied on the fantastic delusions of a being, or many, in the heavens who are responsible for the past, present and future conditions of life. People have submitted their own power to an invisible authoritarian figure, and rely on the guidance from this voiceless entity to determine our course of action. What is the result of our choice? How have the consequences of our neuroses impacted our species?

Science has taught us to analyze and evaluate our natural world. The information we learn teaches us about the mysteries of reality and replaces the myths of our ancestors. Change and fear are constant companions associated with discovery. Yet, we must embrace the evolutionary step that will propel us far from our paranoid and fearful religious ideologies.

 I am an atheist because of the mind I was born with. The brain I have is very logical and rational. Most of my life has been dedicated to thought because of this. Religion is a concept I could never understand. The myths of our ancestors were incredible stories, but since I am a natural born story teller I recognized early this is all they were, a story.

Science and reality always overcome religion and philosophy in my mind. In my own personal life I have experienced The Exclusion Principle from not only the community, but my initial herd as well. The rejection of the herd I was born to caused me to react in the same fashion. Choices were made and consequences both negative and positive were endured. Behaviors and language with negative connotations and perceptions have been adopted by me due to my separation from the herd, and my acceptance by the outcasts of society.

Constant conflicts arise because of the differences in lifestyle, education, experience, and attitude. Respect is earned not given. Yet, religious people are not willing to compromise, nor communicate effectively. When someone is insulted they have every right to express this has been done, and to do so with whichever words in the English language, (or their spoken language), most aptly describe their current condition. People affected by the consequences of religious ideologies have embraced the mentality, “you are with us, or you are against us”, and those who are convinced by the delusion they have freed themselves of the neuroses caused by the indoctrination of their youth will only find they react and act toward the people with the religious attributes they despise most with a similar attitude.

I am an intelligent, strong, bold, and brave atheist. I will not be disrespected, insulted, or offended by anyone, and I will not succumb to the callous behavior caused by The Exclusion Principle. If I am hurt by what you say or do, I will speak my mind and inform you in the most direct way I know how to tell you to stop. In a state of heightened emotions you can expect the words will not be as well thought, and as kind as they are now. However, I will not react violently anymore unless my own survival is at stake. We evolved vocal chords and patterns of speech in order to communicate with one another. This has removed the necessity for physical altercations due to verbal disagreements.

Religion is the bane of my existence. The corrupted institution should be burned to the ground from the foundation up. A scientific and progressive society will be built on the ashes of our infamy.

Baggage

I am merely a damaged bag going around the baggage claim with the rest of the contents of the cargo; an emotionally damaged man who lives in an emotionally damaged world.

End Rant.

Another Day, Another Chapter

Today is another day were I am stuck between apathy and carelessness. Over the last month I have undergone a dramatic personal change. The people who I considered to be close friends I am less inclined to see every day. Social interaction is an absolute necessity of our species. However, throughout the last month I have preferred the company of solitude over people.

A separation caused by my own selfish action. Survival is the most prominent motivation for action, and so I cannot help but wonder if my decision to severe my connection to those people is due to instinct. Foresight is not a gift, nor an inherent ability. I view this to be a thought process of our perception of reality created by the analysis of our personal observation(s) of the environment we are involved with. The analysis of our observations is what allows us to determine what are the best actions to take in the present to cause positive consequences to occur in our future; a skill most people either do not have, or do not know how to use.

The people I have spent my time with over the last six months are friendly, humorous, and carefree; all attributes I enjoy. However, the last is the one which concerns me most. "Carefree" and "Apathy" have a close relation, and the line that separates the two is easily blurred. Taoism taught me to live a simple life, and Buddhism taught me to live in the present. However, I do not let myself be blinded by the thoughts of one person or group. I study the past to learn how the present was developed, and I focus on the present to help me prepare to create my own future.

What I once thought to be a negative facet of my personality-a contradiction of one quality to another-is actually my greatest strength. An insatiable desire to observe, analyze, interpret, and understand drives me away from those individuals who have no ambition for their own future. I have lived a life of experience thus far. The people I have had the joy to meet have educated and edified me so thoroughly the imprint they have left will forever be burned into my consciousness.

Love fills my proverbial heart for all that I have known.

Although invaluable experiences have been gained through these relationships, the time has arrived for my departure. This is not a literal increase in the physical distance between separate entities. A figurative transformation has evolved my consciousness to a state of awareness where I no longer desire the constant inebriation of the mind, (a distraction from the monotony of the individuals chosen/provided reality), and the lackadaisical attitude I have maintained up to this time in my life, (apathy, procrastination, depression).

The employment I obtained because of a dear friend was, and is definitely one of the factors that contributes most of all to this unexpected change to my learned behaviors. Both the employees and attorneys who work here have lifestyles which contrast my own and others like me. Research had to be done. I discovered we were the minority, and we were condescended by the majority for appropriate reasons.

Conclusions to such endeavors do not always yield results which make us happy. I am no exception. Life is what you make of it, and I have not made an attempt to achieve the life I want to live. From this day forward the only actions to take are those that will benefit me the most. The self must be actualized.

As I leave those I have known behind my heart is heavy from the sadness caused by my loss. No insults will be spoken; no disrespectful or offensive statements will be uttered about those I now speak of. Instead, love is, and always will be felt when they are remembered. In this time of melancholy a thought causes a spark inside my subconscious that invigorates my passion to continue my work; people are drawn to other people with similar qualities, characteristics, attitudes, and learned behaviors. Optimism is nothing without action, and so it begins.

A Game of Cards

A Game of Cards

Fuck everyone else

The time has come to focus on my "Self"

Get out life’s deck and see what was dealt

Look at this girl trying to boost her flat ass with those heels

Trying hard to find a man who can give her money and thrills

Another corrupted woman with no skills

One look into those beautiful eyes and you will fall for her disguise

A wise man will never agree to such a compromise

Acquaintances pretend to be a friend to see what valuable cards from your hand you will lend

Acquiesce the request if you want to fold your hand and become distressed

Deuces are wild is not my style

An all natural royal flush is what causes me to smile

Yet, we all know the chances our hand will show a pure court is statistically low

Do not be discouraged by this fact

It does not matter where in the 52 you are at

You exist, and there is nothing more incredible than that

Pick up the cards to play life’s game

Stop the pursuit of fame and the worries of pain

Work hard and wait patiently for the flop to see what you can create from what you caught

Decide your hand’s value and throw the amount into the pot

I analyze my opponent while I gamble my money and time

There is no risk without reward and this is why I put my life on the line

I toil at the final table to overcome the collusion of the dealer and the house with a strategy of my own design

Let the chips fall and see where I stand

I am all in this game no matter the hand

The cyclical result will not be the same for this man

Winners take all

Everyone else remembers the call

Hard work combined with luck is the opportunity that will turn the high card