A Sick Limerick

2015 is already at an end
2016 is just around the bend
When you think of the last 365 days do you jeer, or shed a joyful tear?
What will you do with another year?
Try not to procrastinate, again.

Love... is a struggle

Love… is a struggle

Love used to be so easy for me. I was taught to be compassionate, to care about other people and their journey through this life. I was taught to attempt to understand the struggles other people endure. Tonight I find myself overwhelmed by a sense of loss, solitude, and disappointment.

Another year of my story is now past and I find myself in a constant struggle to love my self and to love others.

When you look in a mirror who do you see?

I see a person who cannot understand how so many people can choose to hate someone because of the color of their skin, the country where they born, their gender or a belief they prescribe to. I see a person who is not satisfied with what he has done. I see a person who has failed more time than he has succeeded.  I see someone who is scared to love other people unconditionally. I see someone who wants to be extraordinary, but is only a man.

Today is difficult because yet again I am consumed with thoughts of solitude versus companionship. Part of me wishes for nothing more than to leave the destructive disputes of humanity so that I can rejoin the creative forces of nature. I yearn for the solace nature and mountains bring my soul. Yet, I continue to gravitate toward assimilation and socialization because of my fascination and affection for our people (I speak broadly in terms of our entire species).

Tomorrow I set a goal for myself to find the beauty in others. I earnestly want to be able to discover the beauty others have. I want to be able to love not only myself, I want to learn to love my fellow people, and I wish that others can as well. The most difficult part as I write is that this causes me to be vulnerable, and love is exactly that, vulnerability.

The only way we can overcome our hatreds is to communicate openly about our perceptions, and to reveal our true self to the world around us. For me this seems impossible. I am a very sensitive person who is connected very deeply to our world.  Every emotional and psychological wound received from another person strengthens my desire for disassociation with our people.

Throughout this world tensions over ancient ideologies (theologies/belief systems) have reached a 

critical mass and will soon meet their end. Will our species die as well? I think that as long as our new generations decide to love we will not.

Inside my core, the center-point of my very being, a hopeful spark stays lit. A light in the darkness calls me to action; a light in the darkness demands I continue to struggle.  

Love is a struggle I want to engage in.

What about you?

Atheism: a controversial topic and belief

A friend whom I respect asked these questions:

1. Are you happy with that? ( I'v never seen a happy healthy atheist honestly.)

2. What have you sacrificed for that view? ( everything comes with a price. Usually the death of hope and a robotic black and white view. Because it is very one sided. )

3. Do you really know what that means? ( most people claim Atheism without realizing they confess they do not exist nor does any meaning in there empty life. And there not willing to open the door to possibility. )

Here was my response:

atheist: a person who disbelieves or lacks belief in the existence of God or gods.

Of course these questions were asked:

What force compels you to take the full title of atheist. And how do you use atheism to get what you want out of yourself & others and life?

And finally you know atheism is the religion of doubt right? Thus your existence is not.


My final Response:

religion: the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods.

It seems to me atheism is actually the opposite of religion. What drew me to this belief was my study of philosophy and theology from the Sumerians until our modern times. As humans we seem to put so much weight and significance on our existence, yet nature has proven again and again that it can flourish without us.

We are not crucial to the machinations of our cosmos. We simply exist because of chaos and from it we can create. I think that atheism gives a sense of peace to me because I have not fate, no predetermined path in which I must live- I am simply a blank sheet of paper waiting for something to be written on it. A disassociation from ideology is freedom, not imprisonment.

Atheists who condemn others for their beliefs are still blind. They have not embraced the fact their reality is created by their own hand (and some consequences imposed by all that is). I am tired and did not have as much time to respond as I would have liked so I will leave you with this quote which I think sums up why I am a self proclaimed Atheist.

"I know that I know nothing" -Socratic paradox

What I did not adequately respond to was question number two.

2. What have you sacrificed for that view?

Family. I sacrificed my relationship with my LDS family to be who I am, and my relationships with those within religious communities where I was raised. When I concluded religion was counter productive to my own fulfillment my parents reacted with words of condemnation and actions which only stimulated hatred within my heart. Many years of painful memories and harsh conversations happened before we could respect each other's positions.

Although we have agreed to disagree on the subjects of religion and god, our relationship remains tentative and distant. I have been embraced by like-minded, and more open-minded individuals who have become my new, non-nuclear family. Yet, it disheartens me every time I hear people discuss the weekly events and consistent conversations they have with their immediate families because the differences between my beliefs and those of my family are so divisive that we do not interact in a similar fashion.

Anti-social behaviors and social anxieties I have stem from my disassociation from my nuclear (blood related) family. Too often these neuroses impede on my ability to articulate thoughts, and properly engage with others within social settings, especially when controversial topics are discussed. I write this not to convey my own woes, I write this so that it may help others who struggle with the education of their childhood, and the knowledge they have learned throughout their respective lives.

What thoughts do you have about Atheism, Agnosticism, or any other ism defined by a human belief?

I wish you peace and fulfillment.

-Laron

Thoughts on an Egocentric Universe

People want to believe in an egocentric universe, that is true. Science is about observation and analysis- which separates man from his own perception. Our planet is in a unique position in our universe which allows us to view a larger expanse of what exists than if life had formed on a different planet.

We did not evolve because we were created as a superlative species. We were formed because our cosmos wants to know why it exists. Molecules and atoms which we are composed of are the same as those that compose planets, stars, galaxies, and our unbelievable cosmos. This should impose an overwhelming sense of insignificance, and meaningless to the life of a person.

We are not special. We were not created in the image of an omnipotent creator. We are simply a result of an organism which wants to understand. Therefore, we are a tool with a specific design which is beyond our own comprehension and it is this that stimulates curiosity for discovery and exploration.

People have not fate, no predetermined path. This misconception is due to our narcissistic belief we are special. Should we choose to ignore our responsibility to our cosmos and refuse to learn, catalog, and understand we will be replaced by a life form which fulfills this capacity.

WE

WE

We have all been deceived. From the moment we were born lies trickled into our ears. God does not exist. 

Truth is a relative perception used to convince you of an ideology which uses this fictitious character to control you. Individualistic desires are a result of your education. Narcissistic behaviors caused by your submission transformed you into a blind deaf cripple.

Intelligence, logic, and reason cannot be removed. Our brain was developed by a multitude of complex processes to create this superlative system.  Knowledge is power. When someone reads, watches, and listens their ears send this information to their brain to be saved and analyzed. Therefore, it is an inevitably for people to realize their reality is different from what they were taught when a sign from our immediate environment is noticed.

Denial will cause some to choose death. They oppose their senses- they oppose their consciousness (i.e. brain) and embrace an ideology which stimulates ignorance.

Acceptance of this eternal truth will cause a deep and immovable love for Life. Connections of molecular, biological, chemical, and social systems will reveal how complex of an organism our cosmos actually is. Questions will fill your mind with unease and sickness. Disassociation from society for introspection and observation of other people will lead to a detachment from an ideology of oppression, consumption, destruction, and ignorance.

Sadness will be overcome with a sudden and unthinkable joy that overwhelms your senses. You are no longer you. 

An ant is no longer an ant. A bird is no longer a bird. Waves in an ocean are not waves in one ocean. Rivers are not rivers. 

People are organisms which consist of other organisms. People are organisms within, and surrounded by other living, breathing, loving, sensing, surviving, life-creating organisms which co-exist to create our planet, our universe, up and unto our cosmos. 

Awareness of your world and universe connects you to our cosmos. A profound sense of wonder and fulfillment of your self occurs when you can actually let go of being an individual. You are no longer you. We are a species with a responsibility to create a future for all that we know. We are a part of our cosmos. 

I wish you all the best. Much Love. 

-Laron

Self-Actualization

Self-Actualization

Life often presents us with difficult situations beyond our control. The results of which provide negative consequences that stimulate strong emotional responses. How you choose to act, how you react, can determine the direction of your life temporarily, or permanently. Last November a pivotal choice point happened in my life. Someone I loved made a choice which eliminated her from my life completely. What I have done since that moment, and how I have chosen to live has dramatically impacted my attitude, my behavior, and my life overall in a positive way.

In my moment of grief I was contacted by a multitude of people with whom I had engaged in frivolous inebriation of the body and mind. Invitations to many events and small social gatherings where I would be able to silence my aching heart were sent to me. I had to choose. It seemed to me the best course of action would be to accept these requests- with optimism such social interaction would alleviate my pain. A warning from the depths of my subconscious caused me to hesitate.

Thoughts of what cause me happiness flooded my mind, and I was overwhelmed with daydreams of a peace, a solace I could only find outside. Every inclination I had to engage with people whose company I had once enjoyed slowly dwindled to a flicker of light in the dark of night. For several days I brooded on how I would be able to survive this tortuous turmoil, and how I could thrive once I had done so. It was soon decided that I would no longer pursue social settings and venture into our beloved Wasatch Mountains as much as possible.

When my work day would end I would walk to my truck to change. While weather continued to permit me to do so I would bring my dog, King Ferdinand, along for an adventure. We would run and hike until it was dark and I was drained of all my energy. We continued our solitary game for the last two weeks of December of 2014.

A friend of mine moved back from Seattle, WA in January, 2015. We started to climb between three to five time per week soon after. An attorney who I worked with at the time invited me to ride mountain bikes with him on the weekends as well. As these physical activities slowly consumed my life I continued to study Music Theory and Composition, and Language and Literature.

Loneliness which resulted from my broken heart soon faded into the distance as my time and energy were sapped from my newfound passions. Seldom moments of depression still lingered when I found myself wrapped in blankets in a feeble attempt to regain comfort found in another person’s arms (for me, a lady). Yet, my passions soon became such an integral part of my life I soon forgot about anything else. Work and the negative people there became a nuisance which I simply had to endure to reach my adventurous reward at each day’s end.

Soon I became so distanced and disassociated from people who worked to live that I was ostracized from where I was employed. Eventually they decided it was best to terminate my employment with them. Since they did not have a legal reason to do so I was given a severance package, and I was allowed to claim unemployment benefits from our federal government. This profound change within my life enabled me to focus even more time and energy on my passions.

Within these last two months I have climbed more than I did during all previous years of my life combined. It was such an incredible experience. Unemployment only provided 1/3 of an income that I was accustom to so I thought I needed to hurry to find a new job. Friends and family both advised me to take advantage of this fortunate opportunity and find a job that is worth it. So that is what I did, and it has changed me forever. I found out who I am and what I want from this life.

Life is diverse and beautiful- this is what I learned from this last eight months. Go find what causes you unmatched happiness and pursue it with all of your vigor. As adults we must work to earn an income to provide our basic necessities. Yet, we do not have to settle for employment which cripples our desires, and saps our energy so that we cannot pursue our own personal passions. I have fallen in love with our world and our species again because of my dedication to me and my passions.

Believe in your self, challenge your self physically and mentally, and learn how to actualize your self, simply because YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Much love,

Laron

3 a.m. Train: SLC Station

Train....
        3 a.m....
Is that a train?            Choo-Choo!
Am I awake?
Is this a dream?
Passengers wait on a platform
I didn't know trains ran this early
Did I really see them waiting?
Is what I saw only a projection of my imagination- a sleep induced hallucination- a dream?
    The conductor blows the whistle....
I have heard this sound before
It wakes me from my sleep
    The sound is so distant, so far away....
A vague familiarity comforts me
Bicycle
Pedals
Lights
Wind
A platform
Sleep....
        Sleep....
                Sleep....
The doors are open, should I board?