A Sick Limerick

2015 is already at an end
2016 is just around the bend
When you think of the last 365 days do you jeer, or shed a joyful tear?
What will you do with another year?
Try not to procrastinate, again.

Love... is a struggle

Love… is a struggle

Love used to be so easy for me. I was taught to be compassionate, to care about other people and their journey through this life. I was taught to attempt to understand the struggles other people endure. Tonight I find myself overwhelmed by a sense of loss, solitude, and disappointment.

Another year of my story is now past and I find myself in a constant struggle to love my self and to love others.

When you look in a mirror who do you see?

I see a person who cannot understand how so many people can choose to hate someone because of the color of their skin, the country where they born, their gender or a belief they prescribe to. I see a person who is not satisfied with what he has done. I see a person who has failed more time than he has succeeded.  I see someone who is scared to love other people unconditionally. I see someone who wants to be extraordinary, but is only a man.

Today is difficult because yet again I am consumed with thoughts of solitude versus companionship. Part of me wishes for nothing more than to leave the destructive disputes of humanity so that I can rejoin the creative forces of nature. I yearn for the solace nature and mountains bring my soul. Yet, I continue to gravitate toward assimilation and socialization because of my fascination and affection for our people (I speak broadly in terms of our entire species).

Tomorrow I set a goal for myself to find the beauty in others. I earnestly want to be able to discover the beauty others have. I want to be able to love not only myself, I want to learn to love my fellow people, and I wish that others can as well. The most difficult part as I write is that this causes me to be vulnerable, and love is exactly that, vulnerability.

The only way we can overcome our hatreds is to communicate openly about our perceptions, and to reveal our true self to the world around us. For me this seems impossible. I am a very sensitive person who is connected very deeply to our world.  Every emotional and psychological wound received from another person strengthens my desire for disassociation with our people.

Throughout this world tensions over ancient ideologies (theologies/belief systems) have reached a 

critical mass and will soon meet their end. Will our species die as well? I think that as long as our new generations decide to love we will not.

Inside my core, the center-point of my very being, a hopeful spark stays lit. A light in the darkness calls me to action; a light in the darkness demands I continue to struggle.  

Love is a struggle I want to engage in.

What about you?

Atheism: a controversial topic and belief

A friend whom I respect asked these questions:

1. Are you happy with that? ( I'v never seen a happy healthy atheist honestly.)

2. What have you sacrificed for that view? ( everything comes with a price. Usually the death of hope and a robotic black and white view. Because it is very one sided. )

3. Do you really know what that means? ( most people claim Atheism without realizing they confess they do not exist nor does any meaning in there empty life. And there not willing to open the door to possibility. )

Here was my response:

atheist: a person who disbelieves or lacks belief in the existence of God or gods.

Of course these questions were asked:

What force compels you to take the full title of atheist. And how do you use atheism to get what you want out of yourself & others and life?

And finally you know atheism is the religion of doubt right? Thus your existence is not.


My final Response:

religion: the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods.

It seems to me atheism is actually the opposite of religion. What drew me to this belief was my study of philosophy and theology from the Sumerians until our modern times. As humans we seem to put so much weight and significance on our existence, yet nature has proven again and again that it can flourish without us.

We are not crucial to the machinations of our cosmos. We simply exist because of chaos and from it we can create. I think that atheism gives a sense of peace to me because I have not fate, no predetermined path in which I must live- I am simply a blank sheet of paper waiting for something to be written on it. A disassociation from ideology is freedom, not imprisonment.

Atheists who condemn others for their beliefs are still blind. They have not embraced the fact their reality is created by their own hand (and some consequences imposed by all that is). I am tired and did not have as much time to respond as I would have liked so I will leave you with this quote which I think sums up why I am a self proclaimed Atheist.

"I know that I know nothing" -Socratic paradox

What I did not adequately respond to was question number two.

2. What have you sacrificed for that view?

Family. I sacrificed my relationship with my LDS family to be who I am, and my relationships with those within religious communities where I was raised. When I concluded religion was counter productive to my own fulfillment my parents reacted with words of condemnation and actions which only stimulated hatred within my heart. Many years of painful memories and harsh conversations happened before we could respect each other's positions.

Although we have agreed to disagree on the subjects of religion and god, our relationship remains tentative and distant. I have been embraced by like-minded, and more open-minded individuals who have become my new, non-nuclear family. Yet, it disheartens me every time I hear people discuss the weekly events and consistent conversations they have with their immediate families because the differences between my beliefs and those of my family are so divisive that we do not interact in a similar fashion.

Anti-social behaviors and social anxieties I have stem from my disassociation from my nuclear (blood related) family. Too often these neuroses impede on my ability to articulate thoughts, and properly engage with others within social settings, especially when controversial topics are discussed. I write this not to convey my own woes, I write this so that it may help others who struggle with the education of their childhood, and the knowledge they have learned throughout their respective lives.

What thoughts do you have about Atheism, Agnosticism, or any other ism defined by a human belief?

I wish you peace and fulfillment.

-Laron

Thoughts on an Egocentric Universe

People want to believe in an egocentric universe, that is true. Science is about observation and analysis- which separates man from his own perception. Our planet is in a unique position in our universe which allows us to view a larger expanse of what exists than if life had formed on a different planet.

We did not evolve because we were created as a superlative species. We were formed because our cosmos wants to know why it exists. Molecules and atoms which we are composed of are the same as those that compose planets, stars, galaxies, and our unbelievable cosmos. This should impose an overwhelming sense of insignificance, and meaningless to the life of a person.

We are not special. We were not created in the image of an omnipotent creator. We are simply a result of an organism which wants to understand. Therefore, we are a tool with a specific design which is beyond our own comprehension and it is this that stimulates curiosity for discovery and exploration.

People have not fate, no predetermined path. This misconception is due to our narcissistic belief we are special. Should we choose to ignore our responsibility to our cosmos and refuse to learn, catalog, and understand we will be replaced by a life form which fulfills this capacity.

WE

WE

We have all been deceived. From the moment we were born lies trickled into our ears. God does not exist. 

Truth is a relative perception used to convince you of an ideology which uses this fictitious character to control you. Individualistic desires are a result of your education. Narcissistic behaviors caused by your submission transformed you into a blind deaf cripple.

Intelligence, logic, and reason cannot be removed. Our brain was developed by a multitude of complex processes to create this superlative system.  Knowledge is power. When someone reads, watches, and listens their ears send this information to their brain to be saved and analyzed. Therefore, it is an inevitably for people to realize their reality is different from what they were taught when a sign from our immediate environment is noticed.

Denial will cause some to choose death. They oppose their senses- they oppose their consciousness (i.e. brain) and embrace an ideology which stimulates ignorance.

Acceptance of this eternal truth will cause a deep and immovable love for Life. Connections of molecular, biological, chemical, and social systems will reveal how complex of an organism our cosmos actually is. Questions will fill your mind with unease and sickness. Disassociation from society for introspection and observation of other people will lead to a detachment from an ideology of oppression, consumption, destruction, and ignorance.

Sadness will be overcome with a sudden and unthinkable joy that overwhelms your senses. You are no longer you. 

An ant is no longer an ant. A bird is no longer a bird. Waves in an ocean are not waves in one ocean. Rivers are not rivers. 

People are organisms which consist of other organisms. People are organisms within, and surrounded by other living, breathing, loving, sensing, surviving, life-creating organisms which co-exist to create our planet, our universe, up and unto our cosmos. 

Awareness of your world and universe connects you to our cosmos. A profound sense of wonder and fulfillment of your self occurs when you can actually let go of being an individual. You are no longer you. We are a species with a responsibility to create a future for all that we know. We are a part of our cosmos. 

I wish you all the best. Much Love. 

-Laron

Self-Actualization

Self-Actualization

Life often presents us with difficult situations beyond our control. The results of which provide negative consequences that stimulate strong emotional responses. How you choose to act, how you react, can determine the direction of your life temporarily, or permanently. Last November a pivotal choice point happened in my life. Someone I loved made a choice which eliminated her from my life completely. What I have done since that moment, and how I have chosen to live has dramatically impacted my attitude, my behavior, and my life overall in a positive way.

In my moment of grief I was contacted by a multitude of people with whom I had engaged in frivolous inebriation of the body and mind. Invitations to many events and small social gatherings where I would be able to silence my aching heart were sent to me. I had to choose. It seemed to me the best course of action would be to accept these requests- with optimism such social interaction would alleviate my pain. A warning from the depths of my subconscious caused me to hesitate.

Thoughts of what cause me happiness flooded my mind, and I was overwhelmed with daydreams of a peace, a solace I could only find outside. Every inclination I had to engage with people whose company I had once enjoyed slowly dwindled to a flicker of light in the dark of night. For several days I brooded on how I would be able to survive this tortuous turmoil, and how I could thrive once I had done so. It was soon decided that I would no longer pursue social settings and venture into our beloved Wasatch Mountains as much as possible.

When my work day would end I would walk to my truck to change. While weather continued to permit me to do so I would bring my dog, King Ferdinand, along for an adventure. We would run and hike until it was dark and I was drained of all my energy. We continued our solitary game for the last two weeks of December of 2014.

A friend of mine moved back from Seattle, WA in January, 2015. We started to climb between three to five time per week soon after. An attorney who I worked with at the time invited me to ride mountain bikes with him on the weekends as well. As these physical activities slowly consumed my life I continued to study Music Theory and Composition, and Language and Literature.

Loneliness which resulted from my broken heart soon faded into the distance as my time and energy were sapped from my newfound passions. Seldom moments of depression still lingered when I found myself wrapped in blankets in a feeble attempt to regain comfort found in another person’s arms (for me, a lady). Yet, my passions soon became such an integral part of my life I soon forgot about anything else. Work and the negative people there became a nuisance which I simply had to endure to reach my adventurous reward at each day’s end.

Soon I became so distanced and disassociated from people who worked to live that I was ostracized from where I was employed. Eventually they decided it was best to terminate my employment with them. Since they did not have a legal reason to do so I was given a severance package, and I was allowed to claim unemployment benefits from our federal government. This profound change within my life enabled me to focus even more time and energy on my passions.

Within these last two months I have climbed more than I did during all previous years of my life combined. It was such an incredible experience. Unemployment only provided 1/3 of an income that I was accustom to so I thought I needed to hurry to find a new job. Friends and family both advised me to take advantage of this fortunate opportunity and find a job that is worth it. So that is what I did, and it has changed me forever. I found out who I am and what I want from this life.

Life is diverse and beautiful- this is what I learned from this last eight months. Go find what causes you unmatched happiness and pursue it with all of your vigor. As adults we must work to earn an income to provide our basic necessities. Yet, we do not have to settle for employment which cripples our desires, and saps our energy so that we cannot pursue our own personal passions. I have fallen in love with our world and our species again because of my dedication to me and my passions.

Believe in your self, challenge your self physically and mentally, and learn how to actualize your self, simply because YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Much love,

Laron

3 a.m. Train: SLC Station

Train....
        3 a.m....
Is that a train?            Choo-Choo!
Am I awake?
Is this a dream?
Passengers wait on a platform
I didn't know trains ran this early
Did I really see them waiting?
Is what I saw only a projection of my imagination- a sleep induced hallucination- a dream?
    The conductor blows the whistle....
I have heard this sound before
It wakes me from my sleep
    The sound is so distant, so far away....
A vague familiarity comforts me
Bicycle
Pedals
Lights
Wind
A platform
Sleep....
        Sleep....
                Sleep....
The doors are open, should I board?

A Loaded Question Deserves a Lengthy Answer

Enough time has passed to let go of the pain that once lingered from a broken heart. I decided to start with online dating since the solitude of the last six months has removed many of the relationships I once had with females. I post this with optimism that it might help someone else who struggles with consequences resulting from the selfish and cruel decisions of others.

"Any particular reason you've not been chilling out and partying?"

Hmm... your question is tough for me to answer, but I guess that is why I am on this site isn't it. I have never really been a monogamous person. Honesty is very important to me though, so romantic relationships in my past were mostly open. Last year I committed to someone who I thought was committed to me and it turned out to be untrue. All of my love, all of my passion was devoted to that relationship- to her. When it ended I almost did with it.

Being a man who has profound emotions and deep connections with our universe I tend to take emotional pain very harshly. I think as people we have a "thirst" (desire) for life that is powerful and insatiable from the moment we are born. When we split this fire burning brightly in my core dwindled to a flicker barely noticeable in the darkness of night. I did not think of suicide like some would expect; instead apathy and bitterness overwhelmed me.

People became a nuisance to me and the intense love for our species I once had almost disappeared. I withdrew to the mountains to find my solace, as I always do. After several months of intentional isolation I realized something was missing. One afternoon I sat on a peak that overlooked the Salt Lake valley and I knew instantly why I still felt so empty inside- I missed people.

Thank you for asking. I am going to walk my dog to unwind this pink meat inside my head.

Hyperventilation and Limitations of Fear

Hyperventilation and Limitations of Fear

            Throughout our lives we are presented with choice points when we have to choose to act or do nothing; last night I was confronted with a personal challenge I was not sure I could overcome.

Rock Climbing is a sport that was introduced to me a few years ago. We climbed at a local gym for about six months consistently (3-5 times per week).  Life events stopped my climbing, and consequently his for about two years. Two years ago we began to climb again. We built a wall in my backyard to climb. Soon opportunities with other friends arose and I took advantage.

The people I was fortunate enough to go with were better skilled and more experienced so they would lead the routes. When sport climbing bolts are already drilled into the rock and have a hanger on the end that a climber has to clip a quick draw (two carabineers attached with a “dog bone”) to. This means the climber has to climb above the rope; setting them up for some scary falls.

Climbing outside is much more difficult than a gym or wall you could build in your backyard. The rock is smoother; the holds for your hands and feet are smaller; and the options available sometimes confuse newer climbers like me. These factors coupled with my intense acrophobia influenced my decision to continue to let others lead, even when my confidence in my own abilities had strengthened.

Fear is a fundamental impediment to the progress of any individual’s life. For me heights are the only thing I have encountered that numbs my senses, immobilizes my body, and disorients my cognitive faculties. However, when I choose to do something I try to become as good as I possibly can. Circumstances with work and a fractured foot resulted in an opportunity for me to start leading climbs.

Awareness of what my fear can do to me caused me to choose routes which were much easier. The first few I led I was able to breathe through the fear and complete the climbs. These 5.7’s and 5.8’s were easily done because they were not vertical and the direction of the holds caused me to stare directly at the wall in front of me. Last night this all changed.

The climb I chose was a 5.9 named choir boy. It starts with an early boulder-move crux where you have to pump over a roof. The crux (hardest part of the route) seemed very difficult to send until I found the juggy holds to help me up; foot placement was the key to making the move, the hands just kept me attached to the wall. Once you are above the roof the holds become less juggy and you have to lean into the slab and traverse to the right. Great placements for your feet are everywhere so this part was a breeze.

This line shared the first three bolts with another line that continued right, where it exposes the climber to the distance between them and the ground. Choir boy went vertical at the third bolt and this is where I started to fall apart. My breath steadily quickened and became shorter. An intense fatigue began to creep into my muscles. The final bolt was drilled into a slab that was completely flat. Instantly I knew the holds had to be located on the side of this square-ish slab of rock. This is when I lost all control.

I started to hyperventilate. My vision narrowed to a tunnel focused on the rock I had my right hand on. Yellow enveloped my line of sight and I immediately was disoriented. Fear gripped me more strongly than I have felt in the last twenty years. A memory appeared in mind’s eye- I was a little boy standing on the edge of a cliff in southern Utah with my family, tears rolling down my cheeks as they tried to get me to move forward; that was first time I experienced my acrophobia.

This memory did not last long. My eyes caught sight of the ground, intensifying the effects of my thoughts. The world spun around my head in circles until I was too confused, too scared to move. I tried so hard to regain my composure with breathing techniques I have learned from yoga and other sports; nothing could quell the tempest in my mind. My friend on belay yelled incoherent words of encouragement from the ground. As they reached my ears the syllables fell silent.  A thought repeated over and over in my mind, “I can’t. I can’t. I just can’t.”

Somehow in my delirium I climbed down to the bolt below. It was here, as I was about to give up, an epiphany struck my mind with such a phenomenal force I was dumbfounded. “You just climbed. You can do this. Fear is the only thing stopping you.” The limitations of my fear slowly dissipated around me as I regained my vision and my breathing started to slow down. I sighed deeply and wiped away the tears. In front of me was a new wall. The hand holds and feet holds that would move me up the wall to the chains suddenly were apparent.

Fear, a simple thought of “I can’t” is what stopped me and almost caused me to quit. When I reached the top and touched the chains I was ecstatic and immediately overwhelmed by a sense of extraordinary joy. Endorphins, dopamine, and adrenaline surged through my entire body like I have never felt before. It was so intense I felt like screaming, laughing, and crying all at the same time. This is why I climb. This is why I live.

A passionate moment in time

Last night Neil and I went on a hike up the living room. On the way down we started to jog; I found a rhythm with my breathing and my movements that coincided with the natural flow of the trail as I went downhill.

For the first time in years I was able to achieve a full stride. My back foot was still on the ground; my calf extended, tight, flexed.  My front leg was completely extended forward like someone who is marching- my leg perpendicular to my abdomen; which was vertical while my leg was horizontal. I was at my limit, my full stretch. My body was completely extended. I was running as fast as I could.

The movements of my body felt natural, they were elegant, controlled, and so precise. It made me happy. The intense passion that overwhelmed me in that moment leaves me in awe. For an instant I had a symbiosis with nature; I felt connected to this world again.

Quote of the day

Stay humble with nature, and your own nature because it is nature that decides. Man does not decide over the power of nature, the weather, and the environment where we travel; it is part of the game, the pact that we sign. From the moment we are outside, in the mountains, we add constraints and its then that we experience intense feelings, thrills- an intensity that makes your hairs stand on end. It makes you want to scream. It makes supporters cheer and clap on the side of the paths and this passes vibrations between the runners and the public....it makes you vibrate, and only the runners who have passed through tough and easy moments can experience this, and that is the most important.

-Sébastien Chaigneau

Harumphophont

Once upon a time there was a Harumphophont. It was short and round with a tuft of hair on top of its head. The yellow tinted skin was speckled with brown spots and when it walked it waddled instead. Every step it took it would bellow deep, “Harumph. Harumph. Harumph,” In a disturbingly negative tone. One day the mighty Harumphophont stumbled upon a Neanderthal playing in the water at the watering hole. She said, “Harumph”.

The Neanderthal was a sensitive one and noticed her presence in his mind’s eye. “What could cause this animal so much pain and anguish.” He thought to himself. The Harumphophont waddled to a stump and sat down. This was the stump it sat on each of the five days it would come to the watering hole.

“What is the matter?” asked the Neanderthal

“Harumph!” It pointed to the watering hole.

“I am sorry I was just having a bit of fun. I will try not to do that anymore.”

“Harumph!” It pointed to his dog that trying to instigate play with some friendly barks and yips

“I am sorry I will try to keep my pup under control.”

“Harumph!” It pointed to the wind as it blew a cold gust its way.

“I am sorry the wind is too cold for you, here is a blanket.”

“Harumph!” It pointed again. Far from where they stood, in the way of nothing was his pack and the supplies necessary for his canine companion. The Neanderthal could take no more.

“I will not move that for you. It is not an inconvenience to anyone or anything. It is simply there. Why would it bother you?”

“Harumph!”

The Neanderthal could not understand how anything could become so hateful, callous, spiteful, and overall negative. He wanted to help this creature recover from whatever caused such wounds, but he knew it was a fruitless endeavor so he walked away. 

GOD

GOD

DEFINITION:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/god

 the supreme or ultimate reality: as

a :  the Being perfect in power, wisdom, and goodness who is worshipped as creator and ruler of the universe

b Christian Science :  the incorporeal divine Principle ruling over all as eternal Spirit :  infinite Mind

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/god

1. The one Supreme Being, the creator and ruler of the universe.

2. The Supreme Being considered with reference to a particular attribute: the God of Islam.

This man-made concept has been on my mind for some time because of laws of attraction- people come to me for advice on whether or not their disassociation with their family’s chosen religion is a correct choice. Belief is important and vital to our survival because it stimulates ambition for life. Religion is counter-intuitive to me because it stimulates a lifestyle in pursuit of heaven, a place which supposedly becomes accessible after death, and is only accessible to those who were pious and righteous enough.

With so many available systems of belief to choose from it is no wonder people are obfuscated and overwhelmed by a sense of loneliness as they are ostracized for their decision. To help them cope with their new found separation I refer to a man I admire and respect. Carl Jung was a psychologist who was a pupil of Sigmund Freud. The holy trinity is not a myth that was concocted by Christians no matter what they want to believe. Every religion has a fundamental set of three gods, spirits, or other deities which represent the highest echelon of their hierarchical system of authority; whether it is considered polytheistic or monotheistic.

In his research he determined the God Delusion (to borrow a phrase from Dawkins) was a division of the self into three distinct parts (holy trinity). From what I understood Jung believed God to represent your conscious mind, the Holy Ghost is your subconscious mind, and Christ is your body.  I will also use Egyptian mythology/theology of Ra, Isis, and Horus as a similar example. All stories concocted by the imaginations of our species are similar in the way they describe you as a person and a God.

For those of you reading that are believers of some omnipotent power that is and always will be let us play a game. Pretend there is no God and never will be. Leaders of any religion claim to have a line of open communication with our “Creator” because of their position in said religion. Any commands given are considered “revelations” and spoken to the congregation through the mouth of the pulpit (leader of church). Any money or resources collected by this religion are used according to the will of this “Creator”.

Since God is non-existent (for the purpose of this little game) all of the energy, time, and resources provided by a majority of the congregation are collected by a minute minority. Fictitious entities are unable to communicate in any way. Therefore, people who attain positions of authority over a congregation only heed advice communicated by other people and their own mind. This is why religions operate much like corporate entities- men are in control; a figure head and orator surrounded by a board of directors who use him as a puppet to lie to the public and distract everyone from their existence, and the non-existence of God.

Here is my opinion- You exist and therefore you are a God. Reclaim your will over your self and learn to live again. Death is an inevitability that will devour us all. For now all we really know is that this world exists and we should enjoy what it has to offer instead of killing one another and it in the name of something no one can confirm. I send my love out to anyone whose mind is open and free. To those of you still enslaved by the indoctrination of your youth I wish you an arduous and painful resurrection.  

I am god and so are you

Why would I give authority over my self to a god who you believe is in the sky, in the ground, or supposedly all around? I exist and so I am a god. Belief instills passion, and mine cannot die because I believe in me.

NPR Comment

I posted the following comment to NPR: 

http://www.npr.org/2015/05/05/404417697/from-oakland-to-baltimore-lessons-learned-from-cities-of-unrest


Enjoy


Should you be a person inclined to read feel free to view crime statistics; http://www.fbi.gov/stats-servi... ;http://www.census.gov/compendi... ; and http://www.bjs.gov/. In my humble opinion the data reflects our most impoverished and poorly educated communities. Yes, it is true most of these areas are populated by minorities, especially black people. Wages are important to the struggle for equality, but what I think is more important is a thorough education. People who are informed and knowledgeable about laws and processes tend to be able to navigate difficult social situations more maturely. Educated people are also able to resolve most conflicts of life before they become physical altercations and violent encounters that may endanger others. America is in decline right now because of greed and these riots are simply the frustrations of people who do not know how the legal system works, and people who do not have an educated voice to speak for them. Police presence in neighborhoods where the majority of inhabitants are opposed to it will only incite uneducated people to violence. Everyone is a little bit racist, and this need to stop. We are all people and our resources should be redistributed to provide a similar life for as many humans on this planet as possible. Greed and the century of self has caused an education, and consequently a wage disparity in this country which will be its end. Remember that no matter what color your skin is you are a person. People are scared of a global world, but it is an inevitably of our evolution. We now live in a time of pending tyranny and oppression is nigh. This choice point is crucial to the development of this country and how we will impact the world as it becomes more connected as a whole. As a people we must decide if we will succumb to the carnal tendencies of violent revolution (a direction that will only yield the exact same result, as proven by our cyclical history), or realize our potential through new legislation which protects our civil liberties and promotes true equality. Our education system failed us, our judicial system failed us, and now are penal system condemns us with imprisonment for our frustrations. Regardless of who you are violence is not the answer. I wish for nothing more than for a utopia to be created in my lifetime, and I think the only way this would be possible is if we allow every person on the planet to have access to the same information and education. I send my love to those live this struggle every day. End rant.

Prolonged Sadness

Throughout life I have found myself confronted with choice points again and again. These crucial moments decide which direction my life goes and what fate awaits me at the end. Sadly, I must admit I have chosen poorly over the last year. I chose a woman who betrayed me. One decision is all it took to distance me from my friends. Now I am idle; grieving for a life lost, disillusioned and jaded from a lost love. Energy surges through our cosmos and inside of each of us. Since winter arrived and she left, my heart has grown cold. The spark I had fizzled into darkness and whatever ignited it is no longer present in me.

I wish for a return of passion and ambition so that I can end this melancholic trance. Although I exercise physically and mentally on a daily basis, my behaviors and actions have not returned my once prevalent thirst for life. Happiness seems like a fleeting memory that clings to my subconscious like a flower petal in a tornado. How long can this fragile entity hold out against these powerful winds?

Many men and women I have spoken to tell me to get under someone to get over it (yes, sex). Instincts inform me this would only compound my current psychological state insomuch I would become unstable emotionally. I am still so hurt from this last relationship because I thought I no longer had to think about dating and mating rituals of our people. It is unusual to be a male of our species who has so much emotion because it is not normal and not well understood by others.

By now most people would have recovered or distracted themselves in some way, but I am still reeling from my wounds. Whenever someone has cut me this deep it takes an enormous amount of time for me to heal. The solitude I choose when I am hurt causes me to be lost among the crowd again; a lone wolf wandering aimlessly in the wild. People become a nuisance and I lose my desire to speak. I can only release the tension in my vocal chords with a pen and paper.

Ferdinand is the best result of this last year of my life. He is an incredible dog who is very aware of his master and his moods. However, human companionship can never be replaced, and I yearn for the companionship of a woman specifically. For someone like me who is always lost in a daydream or a thought, women are a mere afterthought and so is my own well-being. Those women who have extended their hand of friendship to me over the last five and a half months find I am overly reserved, unto the point of being unapproachable and seemingly uninterested of their presence.

My aversion is completely unintentional. I am trying very hard to pull myself from this depressed and distressed state of mind like I have so many times before. Yet, there is a small voice of reason that tells me I cannot do this alone. I need help to ignite my fire. How do I find happiness again?

America the beautiful, the brave, and the bold

People in America want to provide the best opportunities and best advantages for their children as possible with their income and intellect. Sadly the American Ideology has perverted this natural parental instinct. People now want to have advantage over others and want to ensure their children attend the best schools and are surrounded by the right type of people so they can be developed into a specific vision their parents have in mind. This vision is a seed of American ideology planted in each individual from the moment they are born- elitism and narcissism.

When intelligent or financially successful people speak about their children it baffles me they actually believe their children deserve a higher funded and more intimate education than children of impoverished or mentally unhealthy people. One question always appears in my mind, “WHY?” It is peculiar to me that someone who is a psychiatrist would send their child who wants to play drums to a charter school dedicated to physics and mathematics. Natural ability is moot when desire is non-existent.

Education is important whether you take a traditional route, or you are self taught. People around the world deserve access to the best education we as people can provide, and information should not be reserved for an elite few who have enough money to pay for it. The internet has connected much of us to seemingly unlimited information, but there are many who do not have access because of income or location. Therefore we must find a way to change our infrastructure in order to be able to provide a meaningful and substantial education for every willing participant no matter their ethnic, racial, or economic background.

In my mind education is our key to recovering from this perversion of a utilitarian society. Mental and physical health issues in America are a result of class warfare developed through this century of ego, self, and consequently, greed.  It is true the most valuable asset is people. We have always had the resources to take care of our people, and now that we have the science (knowledge) to do so it is imperative we re-align our teachings with that of our eternal source and remove all that weakens and prevents us from achieving our potential as a species; that prevents us from being connected with nature. The indoctrination of American people to consume goods and purchase services and entertainment which are mentally and physically unhealthy should no longer be tolerated.

You as an individual must regain authority over your own will. Determine which is the healthiest course of action for your self. Do not let others influence your decisions. Commit yourself to rigorous study on how to attain and maintain a physically healthy body so that you may be able to engage in intellectual activities which challenge and strengthen.  Ignore the temptations of entertainment and indulgence, for they are only temporary satisfactions. When you are resurrected you will be gratified in a joyous way only the embrace of an eternal truth can provide.

Our time to speak is now. We must stand against the tyranny of our day before another generation is lost. Corporate entities must be held accountable for their actions motivated by their greed, corruption, and perversion of this American foundation; and we must move forward warily with the knowledge of our mistakes. May these words find ears that need to hear.

America the beautiful, the brave, and the bold

Once a glorious land to behold

Winds of change and hope were carried on her breath

Now, all I can smell is a pervert’s death

A secret to life, maybe

A new friend and I were in the midst of a conversation about religion and indoctrination when he said he had

to believe in something bigger than himself since he no longer believes in God. My immediate response was

this, "Believe in yourself man. I know some days it can be hard, but I try my best to take an existential view-

I exist, and therefore I am awesome."

Adventures of King Ferdinand and his most trusted servant

On this morning of mornings Ferdinand woke with the same excitement for life he did every morning. He crawled out of his bed and stretched his body in two different directions as if it was being torn apart. The sun had already started to change hues in the western skies with its early light as he walked quietly down a long hallway to his servant’s quarters. Laronicus Lemonald was found sleeping soundly like he was every morning. Ferdinand leapt into the air and crashed onto the bed next to Laronicus.

“Get up! Get up! It is time to get up!”

Incomprehensible moans and groans were muffled by the blankets that still covered his face. Ferdinand smiled widely as he rolled off the bed and onto his feet. Laronicus remained motionless and seemingly unaware of what was about to happen. He sat up and let the blanket fall from his face just in time to see Ferdinand’s feet lift off of the ground. His hands were still underneath the blankets and so he was helpless when the weight of his king fell upon him.

“You are a childish king! Get off of me fool!” Laronicus exclaimed

“Get up! Get up! It is time to get up!” Ferdinand retorted

“I cannot get up because you are on top of me.” Laronicus said irritably

“Get up! Get up! It is time to get up!” Ferdinand said mockingly

“Alright, it is your fault should you get hurt.” Laronicus stated firmly

Ferdinand smiled widely as he rolled off the bed and onto his feet again. The cold from the night lingered in the air. Goosebumps rose on Laronicus’ skin as he threw his blankets to the side. A chilly embrace sent a shiver down his spine.

He wiggled his toes and fingers in a feeble attempt to warm himself. What little movement he was awake enough to attempt was not enough to compensate for the morning temperature. The closest pair of pants was picked up and smelled for freshness. Loud crashes and noises could be heard in the kitchen where his master had already wandered off to. It would only be a matter of time before Ferdinand hurt himself so Laronicus hurried to find him. 

Past Future and Present

Anger and resentment from a love lost fade into my past

Optimism and desire shine in my eyes as I stand in front of the door to my future

Urgency in relation to the completion of individual projects is no longer present

The river of life embraces my will to float her waters as I stop swimming against her current

Amidst the crashing waves and aquatic life I take a long desired nap

Thoughts on Seclusion and Repulsion

Melancholy and introspective thoughts woke me early this morning; a frustration in regard to my misconception of her aversion to me. A person, whose avoidance of me I thought was due to my lack of participation in our palpable chemistry, actually despises my very existence because of what I represent to her: unorthodox and opposing religious and ideological values. I was confused and perceived her completely wrong.

A residual emotional pain lingers from her subtle behavior. All she did was tighten her muscles in her face and neck slightly as she walked by when I said hello to her. Whether involuntary or not, her reaction spoke volumes of how she perceives me. I am a physical representation of a moral and ethical set of values and ideals which she believes (or was taught to think she believes) are wrong or “evil”. To find out someone who I thought was attracted to me was in fact repulsed was devastating to my self-confidence and an image of my self that I created.

When Cassie and I split I made a conscious decision to avoid social interaction which did not include some type of mental or physical stimulus I consider more evolved than our carnal instincts and desires. I also decided to ignore anyone of the opposite sex who showed any signs of interest or whom I sensed chemistry with. It would be easy to say this withdrawal was a defense mechanism of someone with a proverbial broken heart (I will admit this is partially true). In this instance it was more of a calculated move I made in an attempt to utilize all of my potential energy.

 I view my tangible self as a biological-biochemical system. Any output is a direct result of what is input into my system. Therefore, sexual intercourse and the preceding interactions required to achieve such an act would reduce my overall potential energy available for endeavors of time I perceive as more meaningful; music composition, climbing, mountain biking, trail running, studying, and writing. It would be counter-intuitive for an individual to consider any activity that would not benefit them or assist them in the eventual completion of their goals. Her subtle, yet painstakingly obvious disgust of my voice and presence has caused me to question development of reclusive behaviors in me.

Social engagement with our species is a natural desire and absolutely necessary to achieve personal happiness. Validation and acceptance are taught to us from the moment we are born. I think this is why profound relationships of love create a lingering desire for similar companionship should that original bond dissolve. Ferdinand is a great companion pet canine. However, he is just a canine and as such he cannot fulfill my desire for companionship with a compatible woman. How long can I continue living in solitude when I am a social animal?

Instinctively I have to answer, “not very long”.

Another depressing effect of this encounter was that I questioned my social skills and how much interest listeners actually have in words I speak. As a writer I tend to be able to flow freely and clearly construct sentences in a competent way that is easily understood by a reader. Quite often (more frequently as of these last two months) I find myself in a hysterical fit of laughter or thoroughly entertained by what I said in a conversation. When I open my eyes to see what reactions people around me have I am surprised to see their behavior is awkward and uncomfortable. Oh how trite and conceited this sounds to me as I write this!

What importance and weight do words I utter actually carry? Is there meaning and substance to my words or do these listeners simply hear ramblings of a genius who has slipped into a deranged and disillusioned insanity? In order to improve who and what I am I must first admit my flaws are real and cause negative consequences to me, and more importantly to other people.

I write much better than I speak because of the enormous amount of time spent on one versus the other. When I speak my words have lost much, if not all, of their meaning. I am often distracted by thoughts about music theory and composition or writing and so a conversation happening presently is an afterthought rather than the focus of my attention. This fault of mine has sealed my proverbial Vishuddha (throat) Chakra and caused an almost complete dissolution of a fundamental principle of communication: listening. I do not listen to most of what people have to say and as a result they care not for what I say.

To me listening is a behavior which indicates concern for another individual’s existence and what gives their life meaning and substance. I had forgotten this and because of my lapse in judgment I now find myself overcome with grief in light of my foolishness. I am sorry to those I have hurt.

None of this was intended. Over the last few months I developed the necessary habits to work rigorously and study consistently. A peculiar change in what I desire has happened. Instead of social interactions which would validate my work and create a sense of acceptance into a social group, I now desire mental and physical exercise. Consequently, desire for non-formal social occasions (i.e. chilling/hanging out) has diminished significantly over these last two months.

When I have attended such occasions I have found myself lost in thoughts about music theory and composition, or physical exercise. Of course this meant I was distracted from a conversation I was currently involved with and it would be difficult for the other person not to notice and eventually lose interest as well.

Reclusive behaviors increase how much time is available to work on personal projects and professional endeavors. However, social connections and opportunities would decrease (which would possibly limit non-academic educational experiences). So I must wonder if happiness provided by a social lifestyle is interchangeable with satisfaction achieved through fruits of my labors. I cannot believe periods of seclusion are not beneficial, but I must admit my neglect of friends new and old was wrong.

Today I am faced with my fallibility and I am glad to be humbled by it. In time my work will be complete, and it will only be perceived as excellent should I know excellent people.  The only way possible to intimately and truly know someone is to listen. Education is stimulated by exchanges of ideas and thoughts. I must return to this valuable skill and master it. Only through reading and listening to words spoken by others can I increase the power and effectiveness of my own. I challenge anyone who reads this to do the same. Good luck. 

“THE PERVERT'S GUIDE TO IDEOLOGY”

I watched “THE PERVERT'S GUIDE TO IDEOLOGY” and it has caused me to question my current position in life again! Yay! Haha. Ideology is imbedded in all that we see. We are subliminally and obligatorily advertised a specific lifestyle which promotes and propagates our current democratic-capitalist society. For most of my life I can admit I have been aligned with the outcasts of society who have detested this subversion of choice. Although I do agree with the negative impacts of our current system, I cannot agree what has happened is an unnatural event.

Evolution is an idea which is applicable to the entire natural world, not simply animals. We are mistaken to think the organization and methods of our human systems are a conception of our own. We are molded and affected by all environmental and circumstantial systems we interact with. Therefore our current conditioning is a direct result of our desire to survive. This brings me to a rather interesting conclusion; a different question must be asked. Since I learned of subliminal ideology I have always asked, how did it come to this? Why do people accept it? How can we change it?

In the last two days I have thought about ideology extensively. My mind is drawn to a work by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, “The Possessed”.  His work builds to a climax where a strange man proposes a strange idea: this is the natural way, and it will always be so. Humanity will always be split 90% to 10%. Ten percent of the population will always maintain a majority of control over the others through the use of ideology. This ten percent will also be divided by the same natural 1/10 ratio and so on and so forth.

People continuously move up and down this hierarchical system of rank based on a value determined by those inclusive to the top 10% of the top 10%, (i.e. Top 1% of power/wealth). Intelligent people who succumb to the youthful and ignorant idea that the system can be forced to change will attempt to start revolutions, which often result in overwhelming violence. Merchants (top 10%) profit during these conflicts and continue to maintain their control over the population thereafter.  Whatever names and appearances change, the system in and of itself still remains fundamentally the same.

I used to be under the impression this was somehow unfair and unnatural. I used to think in this age of information we would be able to determine a way to break this human mold. Now, I am humbled by the raw power of our natural world. We are part of a larger organic system which perpetuates its own survival. We are simply a smaller organism which lives inside of a larger organism up and unto the entirety of the cosmos.

I can only surmise this is to mean that our system is not of our own design, (no implication of an omnipotent influence involved with its creation lies within the previous statement; the cosmos occurs naturally and without divine intervention). We casually stumbled upon a natural system to govern ourselves, identified it, and defined it as our own creation; the first mistake of our application of possession over the natural world. 

Consumption in America and throughout the world is not due to the ideology of this natural system of organization. In my opinion this is a direct result of our desire for possession. Inherently we desire to possess something in order to provide some sort of comfort or a delusion of security from our fear of the natural world. I repeat that I think our desire to possess stems from our desire to silence fear.

In my opinion our fundamental system will always be the same: eternal and infinite. What will change is how you live your life. People who are more compassionate and generous that are able to maneuver themselves into better ranks within the system through hard work and education can provide more of a positive impact on other individuals within the system. Therefore it is imperative an individual must first be removed from the system and be subjected to solitude until their true self is actualized through a resurrection of natural desire.

This physically tormented state will subdue the subconscious and conscious mind insomuch that the person will understand what are actually needs, what their wants are, and which ideas were taught to them by society and their parents. When an individual recovers they will be aware of their mind, body and soul. The struggle to maintain your identity in a sea of ideology will finally begin. As for me, I will continue to observe and create! I wish you luck!

I wish

I have only one wish for our people; that they will wake up and become the people they were born to be. You should pursue every opportunity provided by the life you were born to, and enjoy every breath you take. Life is difficult and you will face seemingly insurmountable challenges throughout your existence as a person. Know that no man, woman, god, or child can assume authority over you; only you can become who you were born to be.

Education in whatever discipline you decided to gain knowledge in will set you on a path to reach an edification of the soul we all seek. Embrace fear found in solitude and dedicate your time to study and rigorous work. In time you will develop into a valuable person who can stimulate positive growth and change in others. I wish you all the best. 

Broken Glass

Broken Glass

Shattered pieces fall to the ground. Shards of unforgettable experiences cut my skin and leave their scars as I pick them up. Day by day, piece by peace the aftermath is cleaned and discarded.

Past pursuits of physical and sexual gratification caused this present state of emotional and psychological reflection

Memories of joy and sorrow cause excitement for the world of tomorrow

Hard work and dedication to your chosen discipline will provide opportunity to seek the edification we all desire inherently

Embrace fear and solitude so you can focus on what you love

The only answers lie within, not from above

We have given authority over our body, mind, and soul to a multitude of deity triads who all have one common goal: control

Resurrect your will to power and govern your self once more

Accept your divinity and use your unmatched hands of creativity

Past pursuits of physical and sexual gratification caused this present state of emotional and psychological reflection

Memories of joy and sorrow cause excitement for the world of tomorrow

Hell and Her Fury

Hell and Her Fury

A person whom I considered to be a friend has shown me why she could never be. We planned to have our dogs play with one another on Sunday, January 11^th, 2015. Before we left for the park Camberly and I waited at my house for Brian to arrive. Ferdinand was extremely stimulated by her appearance, and when Brian arrived with his canine (who was still in heat) my dog was unable to control himself. I attempted several times to state commands and he continued to be disobedient. She attempted to discipline my dog before I had a chance. In his eyes I could see the look of a child being directed at me, as if to say, “I am going to get away with things while she is here”.

A disciplinary tactic was implemented which found Ferdinand with his side on the ground and my left palm over the tuft of fur on the back of his neck. He was motionless and unharmed by the maneuver. Camberly screamed a blood curdling cry of disapproval and lunged forward in an attempt to get me to stop. I pushed her hand away and instructed her to stop while I implemented his discipline. She was irate by my reaction and stormed out of the house. Her immediate concern was understandable because of the two yelps which my dog did let out; however, she was not aware the yelp was not a sound of injury, but rather a yelp for help; he wanted her to save him from the discipline I was about to impose.

I can say without hesitation I am very happy this happened. She no longer is a friend because of how she reacted. Her inability to stay calm when faced with uncomfortable and disagreeable conditions appalled me. 

Stress must be endured; it is the only way you can gain strength. When you lose sight of what you want because of heightened emotions it cripples your ability to compromise. She was not willing to communicate properly and effectively. Not only is it painstakingly obvious she is not a very good friend, it is very clear now that she has not had very many friends because of her weak social skills. Her actions were rash and disrespectful.

When I let Brian know of her decision to report me to Animal Services he was stunned. He mentioned she was going through tough times right now and her decision was obviously affected by her current emotional and psychological condition. Although I do agree, the fact she was not able to contact me before going to the authorities aggravates me. By doing so she clarified her lack of respect for me as a person and canine owner. His comments provoked this thought:  Hell hath no fury like an unrequited lover’s scorn.

Camberly’s affection might have contributed to the result of this situation because I have not returned her feelings toward me. Sadly, I think I am going to be the man she loved who never loved her back. What causes sadness in my heart is I will know her no more. With her callous decision she chose to end our relationship. I will miss you Camberly and wish you a beautiful life full of joy and struggle. Goodbye.

Out of Body out of Mind

An experience of consciousness

The journey home tonight was dangerous due to people who did not have any attention on those around them. Three people would have collided with my vehicle had I not noticed these incredulous individuals. Our encounters left my nerves peaked and the hunger in my stomach heightened my emotions. Ferdinand had decided to “play” with his toy basket and a pillow from my bed. When I arrived home to the mess he had made I was furious. He was disciplined in a non-physical manner and it left me drained. A bath seemed to be the best idea to calm my nerves after dinner. Lemon bath salts were added to the water. Dragonfly started to play on the portable speaker Pablo let me borrow.

Hot water kissed my feet with scorched lips. Quickly the rest of my body was submerged to acclimate to the warmth. It spread throughout my body instantly; I was subdued. Music resonated from one water molecule to the next and was distorted by the time it reached my ears insomuch that it was entirely different. Certain notes were lost in the water completely, and others gained volume and intensity. Meditation was all I could think of. My breath slowed to a crawl.

Every inhale which followed the last became slower and longer. Every exhale seemed to pull me further away from the tub I laid in. Oxygen began to fill my diaphragm past what I had previously conceived its capacity was. Melodies and accompaniments dwindled into silence. Percussion in the music dominated my hearing. Boom, boom, ba-ba-boom; it fell on me like a house.

A familiar sound unlike any percussion instrument I have heard echoed in my ears. Out of the darkness on the back of my eyelids a shape began to form. As it drew closer to the vision of my subconscious mind I realized instantly it was a human heart that was still beating; I was pulled from the water as if someone had a hold of the collar of my shirt and yanked me upward, (I was still naked). Ferdinand stood outside of the tub whimpering out of concern. I reassured him everything was alright and I would be back soon; I fell back under the water. Wizard on Eleventh began to play as the water swallowed me again.

Suddenly I was prompted to raise my arms to the sky, spread my fingers and stretch them as far toward the heavens as I could. Involuntarily my hands formed the consummate “V”. Out of the darkness on the back of my eyelids a ball of yellowish-white light fell into my open hands. Unwittingly I cupped my hands; palms facing my chest; and drew them over my heart. As this was repeated for a third time a heavy fatigue overtook my mind. A profound solace touched my soul with an intense energy that overwhelmed my senses with joy and I wept.