Prolonged Sadness

Throughout life I have found myself confronted with choice points again and again. These crucial moments decide which direction my life goes and what fate awaits me at the end. Sadly, I must admit I have chosen poorly over the last year. I chose a woman who betrayed me. One decision is all it took to distance me from my friends. Now I am idle; grieving for a life lost, disillusioned and jaded from a lost love. Energy surges through our cosmos and inside of each of us. Since winter arrived and she left, my heart has grown cold. The spark I had fizzled into darkness and whatever ignited it is no longer present in me.

I wish for a return of passion and ambition so that I can end this melancholic trance. Although I exercise physically and mentally on a daily basis, my behaviors and actions have not returned my once prevalent thirst for life. Happiness seems like a fleeting memory that clings to my subconscious like a flower petal in a tornado. How long can this fragile entity hold out against these powerful winds?

Many men and women I have spoken to tell me to get under someone to get over it (yes, sex). Instincts inform me this would only compound my current psychological state insomuch I would become unstable emotionally. I am still so hurt from this last relationship because I thought I no longer had to think about dating and mating rituals of our people. It is unusual to be a male of our species who has so much emotion because it is not normal and not well understood by others.

By now most people would have recovered or distracted themselves in some way, but I am still reeling from my wounds. Whenever someone has cut me this deep it takes an enormous amount of time for me to heal. The solitude I choose when I am hurt causes me to be lost among the crowd again; a lone wolf wandering aimlessly in the wild. People become a nuisance and I lose my desire to speak. I can only release the tension in my vocal chords with a pen and paper.

Ferdinand is the best result of this last year of my life. He is an incredible dog who is very aware of his master and his moods. However, human companionship can never be replaced, and I yearn for the companionship of a woman specifically. For someone like me who is always lost in a daydream or a thought, women are a mere afterthought and so is my own well-being. Those women who have extended their hand of friendship to me over the last five and a half months find I am overly reserved, unto the point of being unapproachable and seemingly uninterested of their presence.

My aversion is completely unintentional. I am trying very hard to pull myself from this depressed and distressed state of mind like I have so many times before. Yet, there is a small voice of reason that tells me I cannot do this alone. I need help to ignite my fire. How do I find happiness again?