Self-Actualization

Self-Actualization

Life often presents us with difficult situations beyond our control. The results of which provide negative consequences that stimulate strong emotional responses. How you choose to act, how you react, can determine the direction of your life temporarily, or permanently. Last November a pivotal choice point happened in my life. Someone I loved made a choice which eliminated her from my life completely. What I have done since that moment, and how I have chosen to live has dramatically impacted my attitude, my behavior, and my life overall in a positive way.

In my moment of grief I was contacted by a multitude of people with whom I had engaged in frivolous inebriation of the body and mind. Invitations to many events and small social gatherings where I would be able to silence my aching heart were sent to me. I had to choose. It seemed to me the best course of action would be to accept these requests- with optimism such social interaction would alleviate my pain. A warning from the depths of my subconscious caused me to hesitate.

Thoughts of what cause me happiness flooded my mind, and I was overwhelmed with daydreams of a peace, a solace I could only find outside. Every inclination I had to engage with people whose company I had once enjoyed slowly dwindled to a flicker of light in the dark of night. For several days I brooded on how I would be able to survive this tortuous turmoil, and how I could thrive once I had done so. It was soon decided that I would no longer pursue social settings and venture into our beloved Wasatch Mountains as much as possible.

When my work day would end I would walk to my truck to change. While weather continued to permit me to do so I would bring my dog, King Ferdinand, along for an adventure. We would run and hike until it was dark and I was drained of all my energy. We continued our solitary game for the last two weeks of December of 2014.

A friend of mine moved back from Seattle, WA in January, 2015. We started to climb between three to five time per week soon after. An attorney who I worked with at the time invited me to ride mountain bikes with him on the weekends as well. As these physical activities slowly consumed my life I continued to study Music Theory and Composition, and Language and Literature.

Loneliness which resulted from my broken heart soon faded into the distance as my time and energy were sapped from my newfound passions. Seldom moments of depression still lingered when I found myself wrapped in blankets in a feeble attempt to regain comfort found in another person’s arms (for me, a lady). Yet, my passions soon became such an integral part of my life I soon forgot about anything else. Work and the negative people there became a nuisance which I simply had to endure to reach my adventurous reward at each day’s end.

Soon I became so distanced and disassociated from people who worked to live that I was ostracized from where I was employed. Eventually they decided it was best to terminate my employment with them. Since they did not have a legal reason to do so I was given a severance package, and I was allowed to claim unemployment benefits from our federal government. This profound change within my life enabled me to focus even more time and energy on my passions.

Within these last two months I have climbed more than I did during all previous years of my life combined. It was such an incredible experience. Unemployment only provided 1/3 of an income that I was accustom to so I thought I needed to hurry to find a new job. Friends and family both advised me to take advantage of this fortunate opportunity and find a job that is worth it. So that is what I did, and it has changed me forever. I found out who I am and what I want from this life.

Life is diverse and beautiful- this is what I learned from this last eight months. Go find what causes you unmatched happiness and pursue it with all of your vigor. As adults we must work to earn an income to provide our basic necessities. Yet, we do not have to settle for employment which cripples our desires, and saps our energy so that we cannot pursue our own personal passions. I have fallen in love with our world and our species again because of my dedication to me and my passions.

Believe in your self, challenge your self physically and mentally, and learn how to actualize your self, simply because YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Much love,

Laron

3 a.m. Train: SLC Station

Train....
        3 a.m....
Is that a train?            Choo-Choo!
Am I awake?
Is this a dream?
Passengers wait on a platform
I didn't know trains ran this early
Did I really see them waiting?
Is what I saw only a projection of my imagination- a sleep induced hallucination- a dream?
    The conductor blows the whistle....
I have heard this sound before
It wakes me from my sleep
    The sound is so distant, so far away....
A vague familiarity comforts me
Bicycle
Pedals
Lights
Wind
A platform
Sleep....
        Sleep....
                Sleep....
The doors are open, should I board?

A Loaded Question Deserves a Lengthy Answer

Enough time has passed to let go of the pain that once lingered from a broken heart. I decided to start with online dating since the solitude of the last six months has removed many of the relationships I once had with females. I post this with optimism that it might help someone else who struggles with consequences resulting from the selfish and cruel decisions of others.

"Any particular reason you've not been chilling out and partying?"

Hmm... your question is tough for me to answer, but I guess that is why I am on this site isn't it. I have never really been a monogamous person. Honesty is very important to me though, so romantic relationships in my past were mostly open. Last year I committed to someone who I thought was committed to me and it turned out to be untrue. All of my love, all of my passion was devoted to that relationship- to her. When it ended I almost did with it.

Being a man who has profound emotions and deep connections with our universe I tend to take emotional pain very harshly. I think as people we have a "thirst" (desire) for life that is powerful and insatiable from the moment we are born. When we split this fire burning brightly in my core dwindled to a flicker barely noticeable in the darkness of night. I did not think of suicide like some would expect; instead apathy and bitterness overwhelmed me.

People became a nuisance to me and the intense love for our species I once had almost disappeared. I withdrew to the mountains to find my solace, as I always do. After several months of intentional isolation I realized something was missing. One afternoon I sat on a peak that overlooked the Salt Lake valley and I knew instantly why I still felt so empty inside- I missed people.

Thank you for asking. I am going to walk my dog to unwind this pink meat inside my head.

Hyperventilation and Limitations of Fear

Hyperventilation and Limitations of Fear

            Throughout our lives we are presented with choice points when we have to choose to act or do nothing; last night I was confronted with a personal challenge I was not sure I could overcome.

Rock Climbing is a sport that was introduced to me a few years ago. We climbed at a local gym for about six months consistently (3-5 times per week).  Life events stopped my climbing, and consequently his for about two years. Two years ago we began to climb again. We built a wall in my backyard to climb. Soon opportunities with other friends arose and I took advantage.

The people I was fortunate enough to go with were better skilled and more experienced so they would lead the routes. When sport climbing bolts are already drilled into the rock and have a hanger on the end that a climber has to clip a quick draw (two carabineers attached with a “dog bone”) to. This means the climber has to climb above the rope; setting them up for some scary falls.

Climbing outside is much more difficult than a gym or wall you could build in your backyard. The rock is smoother; the holds for your hands and feet are smaller; and the options available sometimes confuse newer climbers like me. These factors coupled with my intense acrophobia influenced my decision to continue to let others lead, even when my confidence in my own abilities had strengthened.

Fear is a fundamental impediment to the progress of any individual’s life. For me heights are the only thing I have encountered that numbs my senses, immobilizes my body, and disorients my cognitive faculties. However, when I choose to do something I try to become as good as I possibly can. Circumstances with work and a fractured foot resulted in an opportunity for me to start leading climbs.

Awareness of what my fear can do to me caused me to choose routes which were much easier. The first few I led I was able to breathe through the fear and complete the climbs. These 5.7’s and 5.8’s were easily done because they were not vertical and the direction of the holds caused me to stare directly at the wall in front of me. Last night this all changed.

The climb I chose was a 5.9 named choir boy. It starts with an early boulder-move crux where you have to pump over a roof. The crux (hardest part of the route) seemed very difficult to send until I found the juggy holds to help me up; foot placement was the key to making the move, the hands just kept me attached to the wall. Once you are above the roof the holds become less juggy and you have to lean into the slab and traverse to the right. Great placements for your feet are everywhere so this part was a breeze.

This line shared the first three bolts with another line that continued right, where it exposes the climber to the distance between them and the ground. Choir boy went vertical at the third bolt and this is where I started to fall apart. My breath steadily quickened and became shorter. An intense fatigue began to creep into my muscles. The final bolt was drilled into a slab that was completely flat. Instantly I knew the holds had to be located on the side of this square-ish slab of rock. This is when I lost all control.

I started to hyperventilate. My vision narrowed to a tunnel focused on the rock I had my right hand on. Yellow enveloped my line of sight and I immediately was disoriented. Fear gripped me more strongly than I have felt in the last twenty years. A memory appeared in mind’s eye- I was a little boy standing on the edge of a cliff in southern Utah with my family, tears rolling down my cheeks as they tried to get me to move forward; that was first time I experienced my acrophobia.

This memory did not last long. My eyes caught sight of the ground, intensifying the effects of my thoughts. The world spun around my head in circles until I was too confused, too scared to move. I tried so hard to regain my composure with breathing techniques I have learned from yoga and other sports; nothing could quell the tempest in my mind. My friend on belay yelled incoherent words of encouragement from the ground. As they reached my ears the syllables fell silent.  A thought repeated over and over in my mind, “I can’t. I can’t. I just can’t.”

Somehow in my delirium I climbed down to the bolt below. It was here, as I was about to give up, an epiphany struck my mind with such a phenomenal force I was dumbfounded. “You just climbed. You can do this. Fear is the only thing stopping you.” The limitations of my fear slowly dissipated around me as I regained my vision and my breathing started to slow down. I sighed deeply and wiped away the tears. In front of me was a new wall. The hand holds and feet holds that would move me up the wall to the chains suddenly were apparent.

Fear, a simple thought of “I can’t” is what stopped me and almost caused me to quit. When I reached the top and touched the chains I was ecstatic and immediately overwhelmed by a sense of extraordinary joy. Endorphins, dopamine, and adrenaline surged through my entire body like I have never felt before. It was so intense I felt like screaming, laughing, and crying all at the same time. This is why I climb. This is why I live.

A passionate moment in time

Last night Neil and I went on a hike up the living room. On the way down we started to jog; I found a rhythm with my breathing and my movements that coincided with the natural flow of the trail as I went downhill.

For the first time in years I was able to achieve a full stride. My back foot was still on the ground; my calf extended, tight, flexed.  My front leg was completely extended forward like someone who is marching- my leg perpendicular to my abdomen; which was vertical while my leg was horizontal. I was at my limit, my full stretch. My body was completely extended. I was running as fast as I could.

The movements of my body felt natural, they were elegant, controlled, and so precise. It made me happy. The intense passion that overwhelmed me in that moment leaves me in awe. For an instant I had a symbiosis with nature; I felt connected to this world again.

Quote of the day

Stay humble with nature, and your own nature because it is nature that decides. Man does not decide over the power of nature, the weather, and the environment where we travel; it is part of the game, the pact that we sign. From the moment we are outside, in the mountains, we add constraints and its then that we experience intense feelings, thrills- an intensity that makes your hairs stand on end. It makes you want to scream. It makes supporters cheer and clap on the side of the paths and this passes vibrations between the runners and the public....it makes you vibrate, and only the runners who have passed through tough and easy moments can experience this, and that is the most important.

-Sébastien Chaigneau

Harumphophont

Once upon a time there was a Harumphophont. It was short and round with a tuft of hair on top of its head. The yellow tinted skin was speckled with brown spots and when it walked it waddled instead. Every step it took it would bellow deep, “Harumph. Harumph. Harumph,” In a disturbingly negative tone. One day the mighty Harumphophont stumbled upon a Neanderthal playing in the water at the watering hole. She said, “Harumph”.

The Neanderthal was a sensitive one and noticed her presence in his mind’s eye. “What could cause this animal so much pain and anguish.” He thought to himself. The Harumphophont waddled to a stump and sat down. This was the stump it sat on each of the five days it would come to the watering hole.

“What is the matter?” asked the Neanderthal

“Harumph!” It pointed to the watering hole.

“I am sorry I was just having a bit of fun. I will try not to do that anymore.”

“Harumph!” It pointed to his dog that trying to instigate play with some friendly barks and yips

“I am sorry I will try to keep my pup under control.”

“Harumph!” It pointed to the wind as it blew a cold gust its way.

“I am sorry the wind is too cold for you, here is a blanket.”

“Harumph!” It pointed again. Far from where they stood, in the way of nothing was his pack and the supplies necessary for his canine companion. The Neanderthal could take no more.

“I will not move that for you. It is not an inconvenience to anyone or anything. It is simply there. Why would it bother you?”

“Harumph!”

The Neanderthal could not understand how anything could become so hateful, callous, spiteful, and overall negative. He wanted to help this creature recover from whatever caused such wounds, but he knew it was a fruitless endeavor so he walked away.