Love... is a struggle

Love… is a struggle

Love used to be so easy for me. I was taught to be compassionate, to care about other people and their journey through this life. I was taught to attempt to understand the struggles other people endure. Tonight I find myself overwhelmed by a sense of loss, solitude, and disappointment.

Another year of my story is now past and I find myself in a constant struggle to love my self and to love others.

When you look in a mirror who do you see?

I see a person who cannot understand how so many people can choose to hate someone because of the color of their skin, the country where they born, their gender or a belief they prescribe to. I see a person who is not satisfied with what he has done. I see a person who has failed more time than he has succeeded.  I see someone who is scared to love other people unconditionally. I see someone who wants to be extraordinary, but is only a man.

Today is difficult because yet again I am consumed with thoughts of solitude versus companionship. Part of me wishes for nothing more than to leave the destructive disputes of humanity so that I can rejoin the creative forces of nature. I yearn for the solace nature and mountains bring my soul. Yet, I continue to gravitate toward assimilation and socialization because of my fascination and affection for our people (I speak broadly in terms of our entire species).

Tomorrow I set a goal for myself to find the beauty in others. I earnestly want to be able to discover the beauty others have. I want to be able to love not only myself, I want to learn to love my fellow people, and I wish that others can as well. The most difficult part as I write is that this causes me to be vulnerable, and love is exactly that, vulnerability.

The only way we can overcome our hatreds is to communicate openly about our perceptions, and to reveal our true self to the world around us. For me this seems impossible. I am a very sensitive person who is connected very deeply to our world.  Every emotional and psychological wound received from another person strengthens my desire for disassociation with our people.

Throughout this world tensions over ancient ideologies (theologies/belief systems) have reached a 

critical mass and will soon meet their end. Will our species die as well? I think that as long as our new generations decide to love we will not.

Inside my core, the center-point of my very being, a hopeful spark stays lit. A light in the darkness calls me to action; a light in the darkness demands I continue to struggle.  

Love is a struggle I want to engage in.

What about you?

Atheism: a controversial topic and belief

A friend whom I respect asked these questions:

1. Are you happy with that? ( I'v never seen a happy healthy atheist honestly.)

2. What have you sacrificed for that view? ( everything comes with a price. Usually the death of hope and a robotic black and white view. Because it is very one sided. )

3. Do you really know what that means? ( most people claim Atheism without realizing they confess they do not exist nor does any meaning in there empty life. And there not willing to open the door to possibility. )

Here was my response:

atheist: a person who disbelieves or lacks belief in the existence of God or gods.

Of course these questions were asked:

What force compels you to take the full title of atheist. And how do you use atheism to get what you want out of yourself & others and life?

And finally you know atheism is the religion of doubt right? Thus your existence is not.


My final Response:

religion: the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods.

It seems to me atheism is actually the opposite of religion. What drew me to this belief was my study of philosophy and theology from the Sumerians until our modern times. As humans we seem to put so much weight and significance on our existence, yet nature has proven again and again that it can flourish without us.

We are not crucial to the machinations of our cosmos. We simply exist because of chaos and from it we can create. I think that atheism gives a sense of peace to me because I have not fate, no predetermined path in which I must live- I am simply a blank sheet of paper waiting for something to be written on it. A disassociation from ideology is freedom, not imprisonment.

Atheists who condemn others for their beliefs are still blind. They have not embraced the fact their reality is created by their own hand (and some consequences imposed by all that is). I am tired and did not have as much time to respond as I would have liked so I will leave you with this quote which I think sums up why I am a self proclaimed Atheist.

"I know that I know nothing" -Socratic paradox

What I did not adequately respond to was question number two.

2. What have you sacrificed for that view?

Family. I sacrificed my relationship with my LDS family to be who I am, and my relationships with those within religious communities where I was raised. When I concluded religion was counter productive to my own fulfillment my parents reacted with words of condemnation and actions which only stimulated hatred within my heart. Many years of painful memories and harsh conversations happened before we could respect each other's positions.

Although we have agreed to disagree on the subjects of religion and god, our relationship remains tentative and distant. I have been embraced by like-minded, and more open-minded individuals who have become my new, non-nuclear family. Yet, it disheartens me every time I hear people discuss the weekly events and consistent conversations they have with their immediate families because the differences between my beliefs and those of my family are so divisive that we do not interact in a similar fashion.

Anti-social behaviors and social anxieties I have stem from my disassociation from my nuclear (blood related) family. Too often these neuroses impede on my ability to articulate thoughts, and properly engage with others within social settings, especially when controversial topics are discussed. I write this not to convey my own woes, I write this so that it may help others who struggle with the education of their childhood, and the knowledge they have learned throughout their respective lives.

What thoughts do you have about Atheism, Agnosticism, or any other ism defined by a human belief?

I wish you peace and fulfillment.

-Laron